Behind every strong Christian marriage are four key elements that I call the "Four C’s." They are:
Commitment
Communion
Communication
Consecration.

1. Commitment to each other based solidly upon God’s Word.

2. Communion with the Lord to give the needed strength to keep that commitment.

3. Communication with each other to help the marriage grow.

4. Consecration to the Lord to give the marriage purpose and fulfillment.

Commitment

What is commitment? A commitment is a pledge or promise made by a person or persons to do
something. In Christian marriage the commitment that husband and wife make to each other is
based upon the Bible. This gives the marriage a solid foundation. The Bible contains directions
for the marriage relationship given by the One who instituted marriage. As a result, the Bible is
the best marriage manual ever written.

The commitment for the wife is found in these words:"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the Head
of the Church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ,
so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing" (Eph. 5:22-24). Although these
directions may not be popular today, yet they are vital to the strength and happiness of the
marriage. The One who instituted marriage knows best what will make it work. One of the words
that many may have trouble accepting is the word "submit." The Greek word use here is
hupotasso. It was primarily a military term meaning "to rank under" (hupo meaning "under,"
tasso meaning "to arrange"; see Vine’s Expository Dictionary). In the sense in which it is used
here it simply means that the wife is to lovingly place herself under the direction and leadership
of her husband. What is to be the measure of the wife’s subjection to her husband? " As unto the
Lord."

The commitment for the husband is found in these words:"Husbands, love your wives, even as
Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse it with
the washing of water by the Word, that He might present it to Himself a glorious Church, not
having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So
ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no
man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the Church"
(Eph. 5:25-29).

The husband’s love for his wife is to be a sacrificing love. It is "agape" love. This is a love that
seeks the welfare of the one loved at all costs to itself. This love never says, "What can I get out
of this relationship?" Instead it says, "What can I do to make this relationship better?" This love
is not based on feelings. A husband may not always have the feelings of love for his wife, but he
is always to keep on loving his wife even when the feelings are not there. (When a husband is
obedient to these directions, he will again experience feelings of love for his wife.) This is what
commitment is all about. Included in this commitment is the nourishing and cherishing of his wife.
Nourishing means he is to meet all her physical needs including food, clothing, and shelter.
Cherishing means to "keep warm." This goes farther than meeting her physical needs. He is also
to meet her emotional and spiritual needs. He is to be the spiritual leader of his wife. What is to
be the measure of the husband’s love for his wife? " As Christ loved the Church."

Communion

How can a husband and wife find the strength to keep the commitments they have made to each
other? This strength is found in personal communion with the Lord Jesus. What does personal
communion with the Lord Jesus mean? It means that the husband and wife take time to know the
Lord Jesus better. This involves Bible study and prayer, both privately and together. In meditating
upon the Scriptures, the husband and wife will learn (among many other things) how the Lord
would have them glorify Him in their marriage relationship. In prayer they need to seek the Lord’s
help and strength to follow through on their commitments to each other. He has said, " Without
Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). Often without a couple realizing it, pressures are brought
upon them to conform to worldly standards (Rom. 12:1,2). The husband and wife will need the
Lord’s strength daily in order to fulfill their part in the marriage relationship. Also in John 15 we
read that the Lord tells us to " Abide in Me." This means that a Christian needs to be continually
dependent upon the Lord for strength to glorify Him. A married couple who will do this will
experience His strength, joy, and peace in their lives. This communion with the Lord will bring
the husband and wife closer together and strengthen their marriage. Sad to say, this personal
communion is usually the first thing that begins to be left out in the marriage relationship. In the
busy schedule that families have today, prayer and Bible study are often left out. Husbands, as
spiritual leaders, need to be the examples to their wives and families in their own personal
communion with the Lord. They also need to be the ones who initiate the prayer time and Bible
study together. Taking time to have communion with the Lord daily will not just happen. It must
be a first priority in the lives of the husband and wife. It is good to remember what the Lord Jesus
said to Martha as she complained about Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus while she was so busy
serving the Lord:" But one thing is needful, and Mary has chosen that good part which shall
not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:42).

Communication

What will make the marriage grow? One important element that will help the marriage grow is for
a husband and wife to spend time together talking and sharing their feelings, hopes, fears, and
expectations. In many homes today, husbands and wives are strangers to each other. The only
conversation between them is what is necessary to perform the household tasks. A question asked
in the Bible is, " Can two walk together, except they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3).

A good marriage relationship is like the best of friends taking a long walk together. How good it
is when the husband and wife can say of each other, "He (or she) is my best friend." This walking
together would also include talking together and getting to know each other better. How important
this is in the marriage relationship! In today’s busy schedules the husband and wife may need to
set apart special times for talking and sharing. They will also need to work on good
communication. Good communication involves the ability to be a good listener as well as a good
talker. A husband and wife need to concentrate when listening to their partner. They need to
politely say to each other when one has said something that is not clear, "Could you repeat that,
please? I’m not sure I understand what you said." Sometimes in order to get conversation started
one may have to say to the other, "How do you feel about this?" After a partner has shared his or
her feelings, it is important for the other partner to say, "Thank you for sharing that with me. Now
I understand how you feel." If instead, one partner puts the other one down by a comment like,
"You shouldn’t feel that way," or "Why don’t you grow up?" it will effectively cut off the
communication for a time. Words that should never be used in the communications between
husband and wife are, "You always do this" or "You never do that." Where there have been sharp
words between the husband and wife, communication would include confession and forgiveness.

The following verses apply to this:"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,
but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And
grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby you are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all
bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all
malice; and be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s
sake has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:29-32).

Consecration

What will give the marriage purpose and fulfillment? It has been said that Christian marriage is
not just the desire to live to serve each other but instead it is joining hands to serve the Lord
together. King David asked the question:" Who then is willing to consecrate his service this day
unto the LORD?" (1 Chron. 29:5).

There are many ways that a couple can do this. In their immediate neighborhood they may be able
to invite neighbors into their home and share with them the good news of the gospel. Also, there
are many needs that will become apparent as a couple seeks to serve the Lord. Should the Lord
bless the couple with children, the bringing up of these children "in the nurture and admonition
of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4) is perhaps the most important service.

Another important service for the Lord is the encouragement and building up of those in the local
assembly that the couple attend. Their presence at the meetings of the assembly is vital to the life
of the assembly. " Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some
is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the day approaching" (Heb.
10:25).

If you as a husband or a wife will make these four C’s_Commitment, Communion, Conversation,
and Consecration_a part of your marriage, the result will be a happy, fruitful, and God-glorifying

marriage. When should you start? START TODAY! " Arise, therefore, and be doing, and the
LORD be with you" (1 Chron. 22:16).

I wish to share with our readers some principles from the Word of God regarding family
relationships. This message is accompanied with much prayer that we might all receive and seek
to understand it.

Privilege and Responsibility

God, through the work of His Son and our Saviour, has given us perfect liberty (Gal. 5:1; Jas.
1:25). This liberty is a perfect balance of privilege and responsibility:

1. Privilege without responsibility is license.

2. Responsibility without privilege is legality.

3. Both legality and license are wrong.

4. We cannot enjoy privilege without responsibility.

5. We cannot enjoy responsibility without privilege.

The burden on my heart has to do with the lack of responsibility manifested by men in the world,
in the assembly, and particularly in the families. Thus I wish to address the issue of headship
according to God’s plan and order for the function and testimony of the family.

Man continually seeks to shun responsibility by using people or situations as excuses for his
behavior. Therefore, I believe that each of us should take a mirror, grasping it with both hands,
and holding the mirror directly in front of our face with arms rigid. No matter where we turn with
this mirror before us and honestly looking straight ahead, we will see the source of most of our
problems.

Families Today

Allow me to share with you the burden of what I see in families today.

I see discord between husband and wife, and between parents and the children.

I see husbands not holding the headship of the home, thus forcing or allowing the wives into
positions of headship that do not belong to them.

I see wives demanding compliance to their wishes and the husbands bowing to those demands.

I see children making demands to parents and the parents bowing to those demands. The children
are running the household because parents are not holding headship.

How is it at your house? What do you see in your mirror? Look hard and long, for "the heart is
deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked:who can know it?" (Jer. 17:9).

I see husband and wife going separate ways with little concern as to the effect of their actions upon
the children.

I see spousal failure with no acknowledgment whatsoever of personal responsibility. "It’s the other
one’s fault!"

I see husbands making harsh demands on their families with no regard as to their own
responsibility in the behavior that they criticize.

I see a lack of shepherding. A shepherd leads; his dog chases and barks and bites.

I see a lack of willingness to listen to the wisdom of the older ones as is mentioned so often in the
Bible, especially in Proverbs.

I see personal desire demanded with little concern as to the effect of that desire upon others or as
to its conformity to the truth of God. "There is a way that seems to be right unto a man, but the
end thereof are the ways of death" (Prov. 16:25).

Is your house in order and according to God’s plan? Is it a testimony to Him who died for you?

I have suffered anguish of heart and soul over mistakes that I have made in my lifetime, and I see
that had I looked for and understood what God would have me to be and do, problems might have
been fewer and smaller.

God knows our problems and our weaknesses. He has given us the guidelines in His Word. Do
we seek direction from the Word? Do we desire to bow to the Word?

Headship

"I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the
man; and the head of Christ is God…. [The man] is the image and glory of God, but the woman
is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. Neither was
the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man" (1 Cor. 11:3,7-9).

Understanding the principle of headship is very important for several reasons:

1. It shows God’s order and plan.

2. It establishes a testimony to that order.

3. It establishes order in the Church.

4. It establishes order in the family.

A lack of understanding of this principle will lead to many problems in each of these areas. The
most obvious of these, humanly speaking, are problems within families, which are a manifestation
of the will of man in ignoring God’s order of things.

Besides the passage in 1 Corinthians 11 quoted above, the Apostle Paul has more to say about the
relationship between men and women, husbands and wives:

"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to
usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And
Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression" (1 Tim. 2:11-
14).

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church; and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore
as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing"
(Eph. 5:22-24).

What does all of this mean? Let us go back to the book of Genesis to look at the events which took
place in the garden of Eden.

"And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness…. So God created man in His
own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them" (Gen.
1:26,27).

"And the LORD God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat;
but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it:for in the day that you
eat thereof you shall surely die. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him a help meet for him…. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon
Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the
rib which the LORD God had taken from man made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh:she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife:and they shall be one flesh" (2:15-24).

In these passages we see that God created man in His image and likeness. He put Adam in the
garden and instructed Adam as to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Then, so as to
provide for the man a "help meet [or suitable] for him," God made the woman, Eve, out of the
man.

"Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And
he said unto the woman, Yea, has God said, You shall not eat of every tree of the garden? And
the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:but of the fruit

of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, You shall not eat of it, neither shall
you touch it, lest you die. And the serpent said unto the woman, You shall not surely die:for God
knows that in the day you eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as gods
[or God], knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and
that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit
thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of
them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked" (3:1-7).

Here we find Adam and Eve in the garden enjoying the creation and in fellowship with God (verse
8). But the serpent came in to spoil things. When Satan tempted Eve, he spoke in a way which
raised a question to her. In verses 2 and 3 she indicated that she fully understood the command
of God regarding the tree. Now she would have had to learn this from Adam since she was not
there when God instructed him. Satan then began to plant doubt in her mind as to the truthfulness
of God, and continued to convince her that God was keeping something good and enjoyable from
them. Verse 6 shows the three aspects of sin:the lust of the flesh ("she saw that the tree was good
for food"), the lust of the eyes ("it was pleasant to the eyes"), and the pride of life ("to be desired
to make one wise"). She then took of the fruit and ate. Not only did she succumb to temptation,
but she acted independently of Adam and in opposition to the instructions he had given her (1 Tim.
2:13,14).

Eve was at fault in that she decided that Adam, too, should eat of the fruit; so she gave it to him.
In other words, she took authority over him. At the same time, the man was in error by allowing
the woman to take authority over him.

"And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and
I did eat" (Gen. 3:12). Here Adam tries to avoid responsibility by blaming Eve for giving him the
fruit and blaming God because He gave him the woman. However, he does admit to following her
lead:"I did eat."

"Unto Adam [God] said, Because you have hearkened unto the voice of your wife and have eaten
of the tree … cursed is the ground for your sake; in sorrow you shall eat of it all the days of your
life…. In the sweat of your face shall you eat bread" (3:17-19).

Please notice the order of the words in verse 17. God did not mention first the error of eating of
the fruit. Rather, His first words were, "Because you have hearkened unto the voice of your wife,"
thus making clear to Adam the responsibility of his place as head. Adam allowed his wife to take
authority over him; he listened to her and followed her even though her words conflicted with
God’s words to him.

Reiterating the truth of 1 Cor. 11:3, confirmed by our readings in Genesis, here is God’s order:

1. God is the head of the Man Christ Jesus.

2. Christ is the head of every man.

3. Man is the head of the woman.

This order shows the proper place that God has established for each of us. If we try to function
outside of this order, we will be disobedient to God and will experience many problems. The order
of God is crucial to a proper husband-wife relationship.

The man is to be the authority of the home; he bears the responsibility of that leadership. He is
to provide for his family in spiritual things as well as in temporal things and to see that all is done
"decently and in order." Thus he must be knowledgeable in the Scriptures, willing to work, and
ready to make decisions for the family in dependence upon the Lord.

The woman’s place as a help meet for the man is at his side, not leading and not trodden on. Her
role is to "bring forth children" (Gen. 3:16), "guide the house, [and] give no occasion to the
adversary to speak reproachfully" (1 Tim. 5:14).

Certainly there are many areas of responsibility for the woman, such as caring for and teaching
children, managing household finances, and helping her husband in many ways, but always under
his headship. She is never to take the leadership or authority to tell her husband what he must do
or not do. She may suggest and help to resolve a problem, but the final decisions are his, in
dependence upon and under the authority of the Lord. Her greatest work is that of helping her
husband to be the head; in this way she will find her own blessing and fulfillment.

Loving Leadership

The man’s headship is to be exercised, not for self-gratification, not as an ego trip, but in love.
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it…. So
ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no
man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the Church:for
we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his
father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great
mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Eph.
5:25-33).

We see in this passage that the relationship between husband and wife is depicted as showing the
relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. The reverse is true also, that Christ and
the Church are the example to us in our relationship as husband and wife. In this regard, let us ask
ourselves:

1. Does Christ allow the Church to proceed without His daily care, provision, and guidance?

2. Does His Church tell Him what to do?

3. Is His Church free to act or make decisions outside of His headship?

4. What has Christ done to show His bride, the Church, that He loves her?

5. Can those of us who are husbands honestly say that we desire to love our wives to the degree
that Christ loves the Church?

6. Can those of you who are wives honestly say that you desire to be subject to your husbands to
the degree that the Church is subject to Christ?

Nothing in the Word of God allows a man to rule over his wife in an abusive or destructive
manner. He is responsible for her welfare. He ought to love his wife as his own body (Eph. 5:28).

Husbands must realize their responsibility and properly assume the headship God has assigned to
them. At the same time, wives must also realize their responsibility and submit to the headship of
their husbands. To refuse these things is to refuse God’s order and to refuse God’s order is to
refuse God. This order is crucial to the proper functioning of a family.

May the Lord by His grace help each Christian husband and wife to exhibit in their marriage the
relationship of Christ and the Church. In this way, both husband and wife will experience the
highest blessing and fulfillment.

"Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord…. Husbands, love your
wives, even as Christ also loved the Church" (Eph. 5:22-25).

We see here that it is the wife’s responsibility to be submissive to her husband (see also 1 Pet.
3:1). Nowhere is the husband commanded to physically or verbally force his wife into submission.
Her submission is not to be based upon the way her husband treats her, nor is it to be conditioned
by the husband’s abilities, education, or spiritual state (compare Luke 2:51). It is to be done "as
unto the Lord," so refusal to submit to her husband is rebellion against God Himself.

For a wife to submit to her husband doesn’t mean that she becomes a doormat, a servant, or an
onlooker while the husband makes all the decisions for the family. The LORD gave man a wife to
be a "help meet [or suited] for him" (Gen. 2:18). A loving and wise husband will value his wife’s
expertise, experience, wisdom, and advice in different areas (see Judg. 13:21-23; 1 Sam. 25:23-
34; Acts 18:26), and is privileged to delegate some of the decision making to her (see Prov. 31:10-
31; 1 Tim. 5:14). However, he must realize that God has delegated to him the ultimate authority
and responsibility for the running of the household; thus he must be prepared at least to share in
the responsibility for any unwise decisions made by his wife.

In cases where husband and wife disagree as to a decision, the husband is given the responsibility
of being the tie-breaker. I say "responsibility," not "privilege" or "pleasure." It is an awesome
responsibility for the husband to make a decision, to go ahead and do something, that his wife
doesn’t agree with. Husbands are in a position analogous to that of Christ toward the Church.
Christ is all-wise, all-knowing, completely holy, righteous, fair, gracious, and loving. We know
that every instruction Christ gives to the Church is going to be for the best blessing of the Church
and for the greatest honor and glory to God. Such is not necessarily the case with husbands.
Therefore, husbands, if you are about make a decision with which your wife disagrees, you must
become as certain as you can through prayer and waiting on the Lord that the decision you are
about to make is going to be for the honor and glory of God and for the blessing of your wife and
family, and not one that caters to your own selfish interests. And to the wives I would say:If your
husband has made a selfish decision, or one you are convinced is wrong, do not try to sabotage
him or take matters into your own hands or get even with him. Rather, pray for him and for your
family that the negative effects of your husband’s bad decision may be minimized, and that he
might make better decisions in the future.

The husband is to be his wife’s leader (1 Cor. 11:3). According to the Bible, a leader is first and
foremost a servant (Luke 22:25; John 13:1-15; 1 Thess. 2:5-11; 1 Pet. 5:3). The husband’s pattern
is Christ, who came not to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45; Phil. 2:6-8). His concern is not
to give orders, to boss other people around, to have his own way. His concern is to meet the needs
of others. He must never lord it over his wife just because she is to be submissive to him. She is
not his slave to do his bidding nor his property to do with as he pleases.

The word to husbands is, "Love your wives." This is a love far deeper and more inclusive than
romantic love or the love that is associated with physical intimacy. Husbands are to love their

wives "even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it" (Eph. 5:25). This love is
not based upon the way his wife treats him or responds to him. This is "agape" love, that self-
sacrificing love that seeks the benefit and blessing of others even if it costs self something. So the
decisions made by the husband, if he is filled with love for his wife and family, will be designed
to please his wife, serve his family, and above all, glorify God.

In summary, the wife’s submission and the husband’s love will result in the two learning to (1)
work together, (2) communicate their feelings and desires to each other, (3) pray together, and (4)
make decisions together that reflect God’s will and the welfare of each other and the family. Here
we have ingredients for a strong, happy, and God-honoring marriage.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness,
temperance" (Gal. 5:22,23). Let us see how the nine-fold fruit of the Spirit can be used to
strengthen the marriage relationship between two believers in Christ.

Love

Here are expressions sometimes spoken by married persons:"I wish my husband would try to
understand me." "My wife just isn’t meeting my needs." "What am I getting out of this marriage?"

John 3:16 doesn’t say, "God loved the world so that He could get love in return." Rather, "He
gave!" If we give to our mate with the idea of getting something in return, we may often be disap
pointed. We may come to the point of saying, "Forget it. I’ll never try to give him/her anything
again." But this isn’t love; it isn’t the way God has loved each one of us.

Loving is giving, giving, giving, and giving some more. How much did Christ love us? How
much did He give? "Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and has given himself for us an
offering … to God" (Eph. 5:2).

Here are some characteristics of love:

1. Giving, self-sacrificial (John 3:16; Eph. 5:2).

2. Unconditional, not dependent upon the good behavior of its object (Rom. 5:6-10).

3. Not selfish, self-centered (1 Cor. 13:4,5).

4. Not easily provoked or nursing grudges (1 Cor. 13:5).

5. Enduring (1 Cor. 13:7).

In a recent study of 750 couples with marital difficulties, the most commonly reported problem
was a partner who was in love with himself or herself. The second most common problem report
ed by these couples was indifference on the part of one of the partners. Both of these prob
lems_selfishness and indifference_are opposites of that love which is a fruit of the Spirit.

Husbands:Do you love your wife? Wives:Do you love your husband? Really? Do you love your
partner sacrificially, just as Christ loved the Church? Are you willing to give up some or all of
your own interests, time, friends, hobbies, and/or pleasures in order to bring your wife or husband
the greatest pleasure and happiness? Have you ever tried to find out what things make your partner
happy? If you knew that your wife hated some activity that you enjoy, would you give it up, or
greatly cut back on it, in order to spend time with her doing things she likes to do?

You may ask, "What if I am the only one who gives? What if my partner receives it all without
giving anything in return?" First, you may need to become more alert to_and show appreciation
for_the little bit of love your partner does show to you. But even if you can’t find any evidence
of loving or giving by your partner, you have the glorious privilege of loving and giving as Christ
did_ who died for the ungodly, for sinners, and for His enemies (Rom. 5:6-10). Dear brother or
sister, be encouraged to persist in this activity of true love! "Be not weary in well doing, for in
due season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Gal. 6:9). I have no doubt that God has prepared
special rewards for those who are content to give and give and give without receiving anything in
return.

Joy and Peace

"The joy of the Lord is your strength" (Neh. 8:10). "Let the peace of God rule in your hearts"
(Col. 3:15). If both husband and wife are experiencing the " joy of the Lord" and "the peace of
God" in their daily lives, it will be easy for them to create an atmosphere in their marriage in
which they can be perfectly intimate with each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
They both will feel totally comfortable in each other’s presence, and will be free to share their
ideas, opinions, fears, concerns, and innermost thoughts and feelings with each other without fear
of being rejected, put down, preached at, ridiculed, or teased. They will feel free to admit their
failures without fear of their partner’s criticism or displeasure; they will feel free to talk about
their successes without being rebuked by their partner for being proud and boastful.

Joy is having the sense of God’s grace and presence in the midst of trying circumstances (Acts
16:25; Phil. 4:4). The Greek word for joy (chara) is related to the words for grace (charis) and
thanksgiving (eucharistia). Thus, a sense of God’s grace and favor toward us will bring joy to our
hearts, and that joy, in turn, will overflow from our hearts in thanksgiving. When there is this joy
in the marriage relationship, there will also be frequent expressions of thanks and appreciation by
the husband and wife to each other.

Peace is freedom from worry and fear about what might happen_but usually doesn’t (Phil. 4:6,7).
As we allow the Holy Spirit to minister His fruit of joy and peace in our lives, we will be freed
up to reach out more to our marriage partner, our children, and others around us.

Longsuffering

"We have been married for 15 years and still my husband does such and such" complains the wife.
If you are tempted to think or say something like this, try to put yourself in God’s place. How long
have you been a child of God? How long has He been trying to get you to change a certain habit
or attitude?

Thus, the fruit of longsuffering means patiently adapting to each other’s idiosyncrasies and habits
without trying to change the other into your own image. "With longsuffering, forbearing one
another in love" (Eph. 4:2). It involves praying for, rather than preaching to, one’s partner. It
literally means "long-tempered," that is, the opposite of "short-tempered."

Gentleness or Kindness

"Be kind [or gentle] one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ’s sake has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:31,32). "Take My yoke upon you … for My yoke is easy
[or gentle], and My burden is light" (Matt. 11:29,30).

The opposite of gentleness is being controlling or domineering_wanting to be king of the hill,
having everything my way, with my opinions the only ones that count, my decisions the best ones.

Notice in Eph. 4:32 that gentleness leads to forgiveness. Husbands and wives:Do not hold
grudges! (1 Cor. 13:5). "But you don’t know how much my wife/husband has sinned against me,"
you may reply. No, I don’t, but neither do you have more than the slightest idea of how much you
have sinned against God. He has forgiven you_fully and freely_and you are to forgive your
spouse in the same way and to the same degree (Eph. 4:32).

Goodness

This word goodness in the New Testament denotes an attitude of helpfulness. Christ’s parable of
the good Samaritan exemplifies this quality. "Honey, what can I do to help you?" should always
take priority over, "Honey, get me my slippers and the newspaper." "He who is greatest among
you, let him be as the younger, and he who is chief [or leader], as he who serves" (Luke 22:26).

Faith

Our faith does not end with trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation. "We walk by faith,
not by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7). "Your faith grows exceedingly (2 Thess. 1:3). Our entire lives as
Christians should be characterized by the exercise of faith, that is, trust and dependence upon the
Lord. Just as we received Christ into our lives by faith and have the blessed confidence that we
are saved and bound for heaven, so with equal confidence we are to entrust Him with every matter
and care of our daily lives, to count upon His guidance and supply for our every need.

If husband and wife are both living and walking by faith and dependence upon the Lord every day
of their married lives, this means that every decision will be referred to the Lord, seeking
guidance to know and power to do His perfect will. How much marital conflict would be avoided
in this way:Instead of the husband and wife arguing over what each would prefer to do, both
honestly, earnestly dedicate themselves to finding out what the Lord wants them to do.

Meekness

Meekness involves giving up your own rights, not taking vengeance or retaliating if your partner
says or does something that hurts you or that you don’t approve of (Num. 12:3,13; 1 Sam. 25:32-
34). For example, if your partner goes on a spending spree that you can ill afford, instead of
getting even by going on a spree of your own, you do your best to help your family weather the
financial problems left in the wake of your spouse’s indiscretion. Christ is our example:"I am
meek and lowly in heart" (Matt. 11:29). "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth….

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those
who despitefully use you and persecute you" (Matt. 5:5,44). "A meek and quiet spirit … is in the
sight of God of great price" (1 Pet. 3:4).

A meek person is a confessing person. King David did some pretty terrible things in his life. But
he was preeminently a man of confession (Psalms 32 and 51). Thus, in spite of his sins, he could
be called by God, "A man after mine own heart" (Acts 13:22). Readiness to confess our offending
words and behaviors to our partner is a crucial ingredient for a strong marriage.

Temperance or Self-Control

What part of the body is most likely to get out of control? In James 3 we read, "The tongue is a
fire, a world of iniquity; it defiles the whole body. The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly
evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men,
which are made after the similitude of God."

There is a little ditty that we used to say as children:"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
words will never hurt me." In reality, however, the wounds administered by the tongue often hurt
far more and longer than physical wounds. This is so often the case in the marriage relationship.
"The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly"
(Prov. 26:22). "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Prov. 18:21).

U.S. News & World Report, February 21, 1994, reports on a long-term follow-up study of married
couples to identify the factors that predict divorce. The most significant factor during both early
and later years of marriage was the frequency of insults and putdowns hurled at each other.

May the Holy Spirit help each married couple to control their tongues, to choose their words
carefully, and to use their powers of speech to build up, rather than tear down, the marriage. May
we learn the lessons of Proverbs 15:"A soft answer turns away wrath" and "A word spoken in
due season, how good is it!" (verses 1 and 23).