"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness,
temperance" (Gal. 5:22,23). Let us see how the nine-fold fruit of the Spirit can be used to
strengthen the marriage relationship between two believers in Christ.

Love

Here are expressions sometimes spoken by married persons:"I wish my husband would try to
understand me." "My wife just isn’t meeting my needs." "What am I getting out of this marriage?"

John 3:16 doesn’t say, "God loved the world so that He could get love in return." Rather, "He
gave!" If we give to our mate with the idea of getting something in return, we may often be disap
pointed. We may come to the point of saying, "Forget it. I’ll never try to give him/her anything
again." But this isn’t love; it isn’t the way God has loved each one of us.

Loving is giving, giving, giving, and giving some more. How much did Christ love us? How
much did He give? "Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and has given himself for us an
offering … to God" (Eph. 5:2).

Here are some characteristics of love:

1. Giving, self-sacrificial (John 3:16; Eph. 5:2).

2. Unconditional, not dependent upon the good behavior of its object (Rom. 5:6-10).

3. Not selfish, self-centered (1 Cor. 13:4,5).

4. Not easily provoked or nursing grudges (1 Cor. 13:5).

5. Enduring (1 Cor. 13:7).

In a recent study of 750 couples with marital difficulties, the most commonly reported problem
was a partner who was in love with himself or herself. The second most common problem report
ed by these couples was indifference on the part of one of the partners. Both of these prob
lems_selfishness and indifference_are opposites of that love which is a fruit of the Spirit.

Husbands:Do you love your wife? Wives:Do you love your husband? Really? Do you love your
partner sacrificially, just as Christ loved the Church? Are you willing to give up some or all of
your own interests, time, friends, hobbies, and/or pleasures in order to bring your wife or husband
the greatest pleasure and happiness? Have you ever tried to find out what things make your partner
happy? If you knew that your wife hated some activity that you enjoy, would you give it up, or
greatly cut back on it, in order to spend time with her doing things she likes to do?

You may ask, "What if I am the only one who gives? What if my partner receives it all without
giving anything in return?" First, you may need to become more alert to_and show appreciation
for_the little bit of love your partner does show to you. But even if you can’t find any evidence
of loving or giving by your partner, you have the glorious privilege of loving and giving as Christ
did_ who died for the ungodly, for sinners, and for His enemies (Rom. 5:6-10). Dear brother or
sister, be encouraged to persist in this activity of true love! "Be not weary in well doing, for in
due season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Gal. 6:9). I have no doubt that God has prepared
special rewards for those who are content to give and give and give without receiving anything in
return.

Joy and Peace

"The joy of the Lord is your strength" (Neh. 8:10). "Let the peace of God rule in your hearts"
(Col. 3:15). If both husband and wife are experiencing the " joy of the Lord" and "the peace of
God" in their daily lives, it will be easy for them to create an atmosphere in their marriage in
which they can be perfectly intimate with each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
They both will feel totally comfortable in each other’s presence, and will be free to share their
ideas, opinions, fears, concerns, and innermost thoughts and feelings with each other without fear
of being rejected, put down, preached at, ridiculed, or teased. They will feel free to admit their
failures without fear of their partner’s criticism or displeasure; they will feel free to talk about
their successes without being rebuked by their partner for being proud and boastful.

Joy is having the sense of God’s grace and presence in the midst of trying circumstances (Acts
16:25; Phil. 4:4). The Greek word for joy (chara) is related to the words for grace (charis) and
thanksgiving (eucharistia). Thus, a sense of God’s grace and favor toward us will bring joy to our
hearts, and that joy, in turn, will overflow from our hearts in thanksgiving. When there is this joy
in the marriage relationship, there will also be frequent expressions of thanks and appreciation by
the husband and wife to each other.

Peace is freedom from worry and fear about what might happen_but usually doesn’t (Phil. 4:6,7).
As we allow the Holy Spirit to minister His fruit of joy and peace in our lives, we will be freed
up to reach out more to our marriage partner, our children, and others around us.

Longsuffering

"We have been married for 15 years and still my husband does such and such" complains the wife.
If you are tempted to think or say something like this, try to put yourself in God’s place. How long
have you been a child of God? How long has He been trying to get you to change a certain habit
or attitude?

Thus, the fruit of longsuffering means patiently adapting to each other’s idiosyncrasies and habits
without trying to change the other into your own image. "With longsuffering, forbearing one
another in love" (Eph. 4:2). It involves praying for, rather than preaching to, one’s partner. It
literally means "long-tempered," that is, the opposite of "short-tempered."

Gentleness or Kindness

"Be kind [or gentle] one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ’s sake has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:31,32). "Take My yoke upon you … for My yoke is easy
[or gentle], and My burden is light" (Matt. 11:29,30).

The opposite of gentleness is being controlling or domineering_wanting to be king of the hill,
having everything my way, with my opinions the only ones that count, my decisions the best ones.

Notice in Eph. 4:32 that gentleness leads to forgiveness. Husbands and wives:Do not hold
grudges! (1 Cor. 13:5). "But you don’t know how much my wife/husband has sinned against me,"
you may reply. No, I don’t, but neither do you have more than the slightest idea of how much you
have sinned against God. He has forgiven you_fully and freely_and you are to forgive your
spouse in the same way and to the same degree (Eph. 4:32).

Goodness

This word goodness in the New Testament denotes an attitude of helpfulness. Christ’s parable of
the good Samaritan exemplifies this quality. "Honey, what can I do to help you?" should always
take priority over, "Honey, get me my slippers and the newspaper." "He who is greatest among
you, let him be as the younger, and he who is chief [or leader], as he who serves" (Luke 22:26).

Faith

Our faith does not end with trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation. "We walk by faith,
not by sight" (2 Cor. 5:7). "Your faith grows exceedingly (2 Thess. 1:3). Our entire lives as
Christians should be characterized by the exercise of faith, that is, trust and dependence upon the
Lord. Just as we received Christ into our lives by faith and have the blessed confidence that we
are saved and bound for heaven, so with equal confidence we are to entrust Him with every matter
and care of our daily lives, to count upon His guidance and supply for our every need.

If husband and wife are both living and walking by faith and dependence upon the Lord every day
of their married lives, this means that every decision will be referred to the Lord, seeking
guidance to know and power to do His perfect will. How much marital conflict would be avoided
in this way:Instead of the husband and wife arguing over what each would prefer to do, both
honestly, earnestly dedicate themselves to finding out what the Lord wants them to do.

Meekness

Meekness involves giving up your own rights, not taking vengeance or retaliating if your partner
says or does something that hurts you or that you don’t approve of (Num. 12:3,13; 1 Sam. 25:32-
34). For example, if your partner goes on a spending spree that you can ill afford, instead of
getting even by going on a spree of your own, you do your best to help your family weather the
financial problems left in the wake of your spouse’s indiscretion. Christ is our example:"I am
meek and lowly in heart" (Matt. 11:29). "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth….

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those
who despitefully use you and persecute you" (Matt. 5:5,44). "A meek and quiet spirit … is in the
sight of God of great price" (1 Pet. 3:4).

A meek person is a confessing person. King David did some pretty terrible things in his life. But
he was preeminently a man of confession (Psalms 32 and 51). Thus, in spite of his sins, he could
be called by God, "A man after mine own heart" (Acts 13:22). Readiness to confess our offending
words and behaviors to our partner is a crucial ingredient for a strong marriage.

Temperance or Self-Control

What part of the body is most likely to get out of control? In James 3 we read, "The tongue is a
fire, a world of iniquity; it defiles the whole body. The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly
evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men,
which are made after the similitude of God."

There is a little ditty that we used to say as children:"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but
words will never hurt me." In reality, however, the wounds administered by the tongue often hurt
far more and longer than physical wounds. This is so often the case in the marriage relationship.
"The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly"
(Prov. 26:22). "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Prov. 18:21).

U.S. News & World Report, February 21, 1994, reports on a long-term follow-up study of married
couples to identify the factors that predict divorce. The most significant factor during both early
and later years of marriage was the frequency of insults and putdowns hurled at each other.

May the Holy Spirit help each married couple to control their tongues, to choose their words
carefully, and to use their powers of speech to build up, rather than tear down, the marriage. May
we learn the lessons of Proverbs 15:"A soft answer turns away wrath" and "A word spoken in
due season, how good is it!" (verses 1 and 23).