I wish to share with our readers some principles from the Word of God regarding family
relationships. This message is accompanied with much prayer that we might all receive and seek
to understand it.

Privilege and Responsibility

God, through the work of His Son and our Saviour, has given us perfect liberty (Gal. 5:1; Jas.
1:25). This liberty is a perfect balance of privilege and responsibility:

1. Privilege without responsibility is license.

2. Responsibility without privilege is legality.

3. Both legality and license are wrong.

4. We cannot enjoy privilege without responsibility.

5. We cannot enjoy responsibility without privilege.

The burden on my heart has to do with the lack of responsibility manifested by men in the world,
in the assembly, and particularly in the families. Thus I wish to address the issue of headship
according to God’s plan and order for the function and testimony of the family.

Man continually seeks to shun responsibility by using people or situations as excuses for his
behavior. Therefore, I believe that each of us should take a mirror, grasping it with both hands,
and holding the mirror directly in front of our face with arms rigid. No matter where we turn with
this mirror before us and honestly looking straight ahead, we will see the source of most of our
problems.

Families Today

Allow me to share with you the burden of what I see in families today.

I see discord between husband and wife, and between parents and the children.

I see husbands not holding the headship of the home, thus forcing or allowing the wives into
positions of headship that do not belong to them.

I see wives demanding compliance to their wishes and the husbands bowing to those demands.

I see children making demands to parents and the parents bowing to those demands. The children
are running the household because parents are not holding headship.

How is it at your house? What do you see in your mirror? Look hard and long, for "the heart is
deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked:who can know it?" (Jer. 17:9).

I see husband and wife going separate ways with little concern as to the effect of their actions upon
the children.

I see spousal failure with no acknowledgment whatsoever of personal responsibility. "It’s the other
one’s fault!"

I see husbands making harsh demands on their families with no regard as to their own
responsibility in the behavior that they criticize.

I see a lack of shepherding. A shepherd leads; his dog chases and barks and bites.

I see a lack of willingness to listen to the wisdom of the older ones as is mentioned so often in the
Bible, especially in Proverbs.

I see personal desire demanded with little concern as to the effect of that desire upon others or as
to its conformity to the truth of God. "There is a way that seems to be right unto a man, but the
end thereof are the ways of death" (Prov. 16:25).

Is your house in order and according to God’s plan? Is it a testimony to Him who died for you?

I have suffered anguish of heart and soul over mistakes that I have made in my lifetime, and I see
that had I looked for and understood what God would have me to be and do, problems might have
been fewer and smaller.

God knows our problems and our weaknesses. He has given us the guidelines in His Word. Do
we seek direction from the Word? Do we desire to bow to the Word?

Headship

"I would have you know that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the
man; and the head of Christ is God…. [The man] is the image and glory of God, but the woman
is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. Neither was
the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man" (1 Cor. 11:3,7-9).

Understanding the principle of headship is very important for several reasons:

1. It shows God’s order and plan.

2. It establishes a testimony to that order.

3. It establishes order in the Church.

4. It establishes order in the family.

A lack of understanding of this principle will lead to many problems in each of these areas. The
most obvious of these, humanly speaking, are problems within families, which are a manifestation
of the will of man in ignoring God’s order of things.

Besides the passage in 1 Corinthians 11 quoted above, the Apostle Paul has more to say about the
relationship between men and women, husbands and wives:

"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to
usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And
Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression" (1 Tim. 2:11-
14).

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church; and he is the Saviour of the body. Therefore
as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing"
(Eph. 5:22-24).

What does all of this mean? Let us go back to the book of Genesis to look at the events which took
place in the garden of Eden.

"And God said, Let us make man in Our image, after Our likeness…. So God created man in His
own image, in the image of God created He him; male and female created He them" (Gen.
1:26,27).

"And the LORD God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat;
but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it:for in the day that you
eat thereof you shall surely die. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him a help meet for him…. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon
Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the
rib which the LORD God had taken from man made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh:she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall
cleave unto his wife:and they shall be one flesh" (2:15-24).

In these passages we see that God created man in His image and likeness. He put Adam in the
garden and instructed Adam as to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Then, so as to
provide for the man a "help meet [or suitable] for him," God made the woman, Eve, out of the
man.

"Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And
he said unto the woman, Yea, has God said, You shall not eat of every tree of the garden? And
the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:but of the fruit

of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, You shall not eat of it, neither shall
you touch it, lest you die. And the serpent said unto the woman, You shall not surely die:for God
knows that in the day you eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as gods
[or God], knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and
that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit
thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of
them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked" (3:1-7).

Here we find Adam and Eve in the garden enjoying the creation and in fellowship with God (verse
8). But the serpent came in to spoil things. When Satan tempted Eve, he spoke in a way which
raised a question to her. In verses 2 and 3 she indicated that she fully understood the command
of God regarding the tree. Now she would have had to learn this from Adam since she was not
there when God instructed him. Satan then began to plant doubt in her mind as to the truthfulness
of God, and continued to convince her that God was keeping something good and enjoyable from
them. Verse 6 shows the three aspects of sin:the lust of the flesh ("she saw that the tree was good
for food"), the lust of the eyes ("it was pleasant to the eyes"), and the pride of life ("to be desired
to make one wise"). She then took of the fruit and ate. Not only did she succumb to temptation,
but she acted independently of Adam and in opposition to the instructions he had given her (1 Tim.
2:13,14).

Eve was at fault in that she decided that Adam, too, should eat of the fruit; so she gave it to him.
In other words, she took authority over him. At the same time, the man was in error by allowing
the woman to take authority over him.

"And the man said, The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and
I did eat" (Gen. 3:12). Here Adam tries to avoid responsibility by blaming Eve for giving him the
fruit and blaming God because He gave him the woman. However, he does admit to following her
lead:"I did eat."

"Unto Adam [God] said, Because you have hearkened unto the voice of your wife and have eaten
of the tree … cursed is the ground for your sake; in sorrow you shall eat of it all the days of your
life…. In the sweat of your face shall you eat bread" (3:17-19).

Please notice the order of the words in verse 17. God did not mention first the error of eating of
the fruit. Rather, His first words were, "Because you have hearkened unto the voice of your wife,"
thus making clear to Adam the responsibility of his place as head. Adam allowed his wife to take
authority over him; he listened to her and followed her even though her words conflicted with
God’s words to him.

Reiterating the truth of 1 Cor. 11:3, confirmed by our readings in Genesis, here is God’s order:

1. God is the head of the Man Christ Jesus.

2. Christ is the head of every man.

3. Man is the head of the woman.

This order shows the proper place that God has established for each of us. If we try to function
outside of this order, we will be disobedient to God and will experience many problems. The order
of God is crucial to a proper husband-wife relationship.

The man is to be the authority of the home; he bears the responsibility of that leadership. He is
to provide for his family in spiritual things as well as in temporal things and to see that all is done
"decently and in order." Thus he must be knowledgeable in the Scriptures, willing to work, and
ready to make decisions for the family in dependence upon the Lord.

The woman’s place as a help meet for the man is at his side, not leading and not trodden on. Her
role is to "bring forth children" (Gen. 3:16), "guide the house, [and] give no occasion to the
adversary to speak reproachfully" (1 Tim. 5:14).

Certainly there are many areas of responsibility for the woman, such as caring for and teaching
children, managing household finances, and helping her husband in many ways, but always under
his headship. She is never to take the leadership or authority to tell her husband what he must do
or not do. She may suggest and help to resolve a problem, but the final decisions are his, in
dependence upon and under the authority of the Lord. Her greatest work is that of helping her
husband to be the head; in this way she will find her own blessing and fulfillment.

Loving Leadership

The man’s headship is to be exercised, not for self-gratification, not as an ego trip, but in love.
"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it…. So
ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no
man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the Church:for
we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his
father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great
mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Eph.
5:25-33).

We see in this passage that the relationship between husband and wife is depicted as showing the
relationship between Christ and His bride, the Church. The reverse is true also, that Christ and
the Church are the example to us in our relationship as husband and wife. In this regard, let us ask
ourselves:

1. Does Christ allow the Church to proceed without His daily care, provision, and guidance?

2. Does His Church tell Him what to do?

3. Is His Church free to act or make decisions outside of His headship?

4. What has Christ done to show His bride, the Church, that He loves her?

5. Can those of us who are husbands honestly say that we desire to love our wives to the degree
that Christ loves the Church?

6. Can those of you who are wives honestly say that you desire to be subject to your husbands to
the degree that the Church is subject to Christ?

Nothing in the Word of God allows a man to rule over his wife in an abusive or destructive
manner. He is responsible for her welfare. He ought to love his wife as his own body (Eph. 5:28).

Husbands must realize their responsibility and properly assume the headship God has assigned to
them. At the same time, wives must also realize their responsibility and submit to the headship of
their husbands. To refuse these things is to refuse God’s order and to refuse God’s order is to
refuse God. This order is crucial to the proper functioning of a family.

May the Lord by His grace help each Christian husband and wife to exhibit in their marriage the
relationship of Christ and the Church. In this way, both husband and wife will experience the
highest blessing and fulfillment.