Mutual Submission
“Be not drunk with wine
… submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Eph. 5:18,21). I
have linked these two verses together because verse 18 is the beginning of the
sentence that ends with verse 21. What is the connection? One who is drunk with
wine is controlled by the wine, just as one who is “filled with the Spirit”
(verse 18) is controlled by the Spirit. In like manner, our relationships with
one another are not to be characterized by seeking to control one another but
rather by submitting one to another under the control of God.
Verse 21 applies to the
Christian marriage relationship as much as it applies to every other
relationship among God’s people. However, the specific manner of this mutual
submission differs for wives and husbands. Wives, before you decide you don’t
like this passage, please read the instructions given to your husbands as well
as those given to you.
Submission by Wives
“Wives, submit yourselves
unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the
wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church; and He is the Saviour of the
body. Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to
their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it…. So ought men to love their
wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man
ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the
Lord the Church” (Eph. 5:22-29).
First, the wife is to
submit herself to her husband, as the Church is subject unto Christ. What does
this entail? Let us note first that the One to whom the Church is to be subject
is all-knowing, all-wise, righteous, good, and loving. His commandments and
actions and decisions are not grievous but for the blessing of the Church (1
John 5:3). So it is in the best interests of the Church to listen carefully to
all that Christ enjoins and to obey implicitly and unquestioningly.
Let me ask you wives a
question:If your husband were totally Christlike, if every household decision
he made and everything he did for you were in accordance with God’s will and in
the best interests of you and your family, would you have any difficulty being
submissive to him? Once when I asked this question in a home Bible study a lady
responded, “Yes.” It turned out that her problem with submission was much
broader than toward her husband; she didn’t want to have to be submissive to
God. This attitude was similarly expressed by a woman who said, “For me, would
I describe Jesus as my master? No. Would I describe Jesus as my mentor?
Absolutely.” In other words, Jesus could be her teacher as long as she remained
free to decide for herself what she wanted to accept and follow and what she
wanted to reject. So if you have a problem with submitting to your husband, ask
yourself first of all if you have a more basic problem of being submissive to
God and to the Holy Scriptures.
Most often, however, a
Christian wife’s problem with submitting to her husband comes from the fact
that her husband is not all-knowing and all-wise; he may not
always be seeking to do God’s will; rather than always being good and loving he
may at times act out of selfish interests. Is the wife to suppress all her own
thoughts, knowledge, and wisdom, and quietly, submissively leave all decisions,
large and small, to her husband? In Gen. 2:18 we read that “the Lord God said,
It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for
him [that is, a helper suited to him].” Thus, since the husband, unlike Christ,
is not all-knowing, all-wise, and completely unselfish, he should value
the help and input of his wife in the decision-making process. If she feels
that a decision he has made or is about to make is contrary to God’s mind, or
may be harmful to the family or to others, or is in any other way unwise, she
should be free—as his helpmate—to communicate in a loving way her disagreement
and her suggestions for a more appropriate course of action. Such communication
is for the good of all and should be encouraged by the husband.
What about those areas in
which the wife’s expertise and experience far exceed the husband’s? In
situations like this, it is important to observe the order laid down in
Scripture:“The head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the
man; and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3). The husband may be willing
to delegate completely some areas of household decision making to his wife.
However, he must realize that God has appointed to him the ultimate
authority and responsibility for the running of the household; thus he must
keep in close communication with his wife on such matters and be prepared at
least to share in the responsibility for any unwise decisions made by his wife.
Husbands often are quite
happy to delegate all child discipline responsibilities to their wives.
However, the Book of Proverbs makes it clear that the Father needs to take the
lead in this regard. “My son, hear the instruction of your father, and forsake
not the law of your mother” (Prov. 1:8; also 4:1; 6:20; 13:1; 15:5). “Whom the
LORD loves He corrects, even as a father the son in whom he delights” (Prov.
3:12; also 13:24). If he delegates this authority to his wife while he is away
at work, he needs to affirm his backing of the mother’s discipline when he
returns home.
Love by Husbands
Let us now focus more
directly upon the husband. On his part there is to be no lording over his wife
just because she is to be submissive to him. She is not his slave to do his bidding
nor his property to use as he pleases. The Lord Jesus gives a very clear and
strong message that can apply to husbands who go overboard in asserting their
headship over their wives:“He who is greatest among you, let him be as the
younger; and he who is chief, as he who serves” (Luke 22:26). As head of the
wife and head of the household, the husband has the primary responsibility to
see that all of the material, physical, instructional, emotional, and spiritual
needs of his wife and children are provided for.
In full agreement with
this we have the word to husbands in Ephesians 5—“love your wives.” This love
is far deeper and inclusive than romantic love, or the love that is associated
with physical intimacy. Husbands are to love their wives “even as Christ also
loved the Church, and gave Himself for it.” This is agape love, that
self-sacrificing love that seeks the benefit and blessing of others, whatever
may be the cost to oneself. So the decisions made by the husband, if he is
filled with love for his wife and family, will be designed to please his wife;
thus he will draw upon the wisdom of his wife and seek to have her share in
every household and family decision.
The model presented by
Christ to Christian husbands does not stop there:“That He might sanctify and
cleanse it with the washing of water by the Word, that He might present it to
Himself a glorious Church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but
that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as
their own bodies…. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, even as the Lord the Church.” What a tremendous contrast is this
to what, sadly, has been meted out by all too many Christian husbands to their
wives! Wives have been brutally beaten, sexually abused, emotionally
traumatized, or almost totally ignored by their Christian husbands, all in the
name of the headship of the husband. For shame!! Let every Christian husband
examine whether he so values his wife that he nourishes and cherishes her,
helping her—and encouraging her to help him—to grow in holiness and likeness to
Christ.
Final Authority
There may yet, with all
this, be matters on which the couple continues to disagree, even after
patiently discussing each other’s viewpoints and even after praying together
about the matter. In such a case, it must be recognized that God has ordered
that final authority rest with the husband and that the wife is to submit to
his decision. If it is a decision which the wife feels could lead to adverse
consequences for the family (for example, purchase of a luxury item beyond the
family’s financial means), the wife might still pray that the Lord will deal
directly with her husband to prevent or undo the decision or action; she should
also pray for patience and seek the Lord’s help to do whatever she can to
minimize the possible adverse consequences of the decision upon the family.
If any of our female
readers resent the fact that God has granted to the husbands the final
authority for running the household, please realize that at all levels of
society there is a need for a chain of command, an ultimate authority.
Otherwise there would be anarchy. Thus, God has given parents to be over the
children; teachers over the pupils; employers over the employees; mayors,
governors, and presidents over the people in political subdivisions. The
“powers that be” are ministers of God for good (Rom. 13:1-4). All the more
should the Christian husband be a minister of God for the good and blessing of
his wife and children.
It has been observed that
in non-Christian households, or households in which the Holy Scriptures serve
as bookends rather than floodlights, a great deal of time and emotional energy
is spent by newlyweds trying to establish who will be the head and who will
take primary responsibility for the various household activities. Isn’t it a
blessing for Bible-believers that God has already settled those questions?
Well, maybe. It will only be a blessing if both husband and wife seriously follow
the model provided in Ephesians 5.
In conclusion, when the
husband and wife can learn to work together, communicate their feelings and
desires to each other in a friendly and loving atmosphere, make decisions
jointly which are motivated by the desire for the welfare of each other and the
family and the glory of God, and follow the scriptural order of wives being
submissive to their husbands if agreement cannot be reached, there will be a
strong basis for a truly happy marriage.