In connection with the commandment, "Thou shall not commit adultery," we have considered in previous issues the testimony of the Scriptures against both premarital and extramarital sexual activity, divorce and remarriage, committing adultery in the heart, and homosexual sin. I believe that God would not have us dwell only on the negative side of His commandments. There are many Christians who, by the grace of God, may have avoided fornication and adultery and divorce in their lifetimes, who have faithfully stuck with their spouses, but whose marriages are hardly more than a cross to be borne, or a steady succession of conflicts. We as Christians, as under grace and not under the law, should seek the grace of God and the power of the indwelling Spirit to help us rise far above the prohibitions of the Ten Commandments and attain truly happy, mutually fulfilling, spiritually edifying marriages. The exhortation, "Rejoice with the wife of thy youth … let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love" (Prov. 5:18,19), applies, I believe, to those married 25 or 50 years as much as to those married one or two years and no doubt is not to be limited to the physical relationship but applied to the emotional and spiritual relationships as well. Let us, then, consider some pointers from Scripture on achieving and maintaining a happy marriage.
Submission and Love
Two key bases for a happy marriage_submission and love_are presented in Ephesians 5:"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the Head of the Church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. … So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church" (Eph. 5:22-29).
First, the wife is to submit herself to her husband, as the Church is subject unto Christ. What does this entail? Let us note first that the One to whom the Church is to be subject is all-knowing, all-wise, righteous, good, and loving. His commandments and actions and decisions are not grievous but for the blessing of the Church. So it is in the best interests of the Church to listen carefully to all that Christ enjoins and to obey implicitly and unquestioningly. Likewise the wife is to submit to her husband. But the problem arises that the husband is not all-knowing and all-wise; and rather than being good and loving he may act out of selfish interests. Is the wife to suppress all her own thoughts, knowledge, and wisdom, and quietly, submissively leave all decisions, large and small, to her husband? In Gen. 2:18 we read that "the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him [that is, a helper suited to him]." Thus, since the husband, unlike Christ, is not all-knowing, all-wise, and completely unselfish, he should value the help and input of his wife in the decision-making process. If she feels that a decision he has made or is about to make is contrary to God’s mind, or may be harmful to the family or to others, or is in any other way unwise, she should be free_as his helpmate_to communicate in a loving way her disagreement and her suggestions for a more appropriate course of action. Such communication is for the good of all and should be encouraged by the husband.
For those areas in which the wife’s expertise and experience far exceed the husband’s, he may be willing to delegate completely the decision making to her. However, he must realize that God has delegated to him the ultimate authority and responsibility for the running of the household; thus he must be prepared at least to share in the responsibility for any unwise decisions made by his wife.
On the husband’s part, there is to be no lording over his wife just because she is to be submissive to him. She is not his slave to do his bidding nor his property to do with as he pleases. The word to husbands is "love your wives." And this is a love far deeper and more inclusive than romantic love, or the love that is associated with physical intimacy. Husbands are to love their wives "even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it." This is agape love, that self-sacrificing love that seeks the benefit and blessing of others even if it costs self something. So the decisions made by the husband, if he is filled with love for his wife and family, will be designed to please his wife; thus he will seek to have her share in the decision making.
With all this, there yet may be matters on which the couple continues to disagree, even after patiently discussing each other’s viewpoints and even after praying together about the matter. In such a case, it must be recognized that God has ordered that final authority rest with the husband and that the wife is to submit to his decision. If it is a decision which the wife feels could lead to adverse consequences for the family (for example, purchase of a luxury item beyond the family’s financial means), the wife might still pray that the Lord will deal directly with her husband to prevent or undo the decision or action; she should also pray for patience and seek the Lord’s help to do whatever she can to minimize the possible adverse consequences of the decision upon the family.
If any of our female readers resent the fact that God has granted to the husbands the final authority for running the household, please realize that at all levels of society there is a need for a chain of command, an ultimate authority. Otherwise, there would be anarchy. Thus, God has given parents to be over the children, governors over the citizens of the state, etc. The "powers that be" are ministers of God for good (Rom. 13:1-4). All the more should the Christian husband be a minister of God for the good and blessing of his wife and children. The Christian husband has a very responsible position which requires much prayer and submission to God to fill properly. In fact, his very position of leadership is given for the purpose of serving his wife and family, as Christ said, "Let the leader [be] as he that serves" (Luke 22:26 JND).
In summary, when the husband and wife can learn to communicate their feelings and desires to each other in a friendly and loving atmosphere, make decisions jointly which are motivated by the desire for the welfare of each other and the family, and follow the scriptural order of wives being submissive to their husbands if agreement cannot be reached, there will be a strong basis for a truly happy marriage.
Praying and Reading Together
It is very worthwhile for husband and wife to set aside a period of time each day, in addition to personal "quiet time" or devotions, for reading the Bible and Biblical commentaries together and for praying together. If there is time for only one of these activities, they might be alternated_reading together one day and praying together the next. By praying together I do not mean that the husband should pray and the wife listen, but that both should share in the praying. In the process of praying together we find ourselves taking an active interest in that which interests and concerns our mate. Of particular importance is joining together in united prayer (see Matt. 18:19) for our children and for wisdom in bringing them up for the Lord. Few, perhaps, realize the powerful bond of intimacy that praying together will produce in a marriage. If we are sincere and humble in our praying, God will not allow us to pretend to be something we are not in His presence. Nor will He allow one to speak to Him in sincerity about other concerns if there are problems with the marriage relationship. This openness before God will lead to openness before our spouse as we pray together. We will not be able to pray together if there are resentments between us. As we continue to pray together over a period of time we will become more profoundly united than we could ever become by mere physical union. Praying together regularly is such a powerful force for oneness that at least one writer on the subject has suggested that it is too intimate even for engaged couples and should be reserved for marriage.
Communication
Another has written the following advice to those contemplating marriage:"Since a successful marriage depends on constant communication, the engaged couple must talk, talk, talk." This communication is so very important throughout marriage. In Scripture we read, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep" (Rom. 12:15). But to do this there must be the communication to one another of our joys and successes, as well as our depressions, anxieties, and failures.
Often it may be particularly difficult for the husband to share with his wife his feelings of depression or fear or failure. He rather prefers to regard himself as emotionally independent and able to work out his own problems by himself. However, an understanding wife can be an immense help to the husband in such matters (this is one aspect of the wife being a "helpmate," Gen. 2:18 JND). At the very least they can pray together and unitedly seek the Lord’s help in the matter. And the sharing in this way will have the effect of drawing the two closer together emotionally and spiritually. Real communication in marriage is the ability to share one’s innermost feelings with one’s partner. For this to be effective there must be a foundation of mutual love, trust, patience, forgiveness, and understanding.
Something for young husbands and fathers to consider is the fact that often while they are at work associating with other adults all day long, their wives may be spending most of their days with only small children for company. So the husband_weary as he may be_should try to put his wife’s need for adult-level communication above his natural and selfish desire to relax in his favorite easy chair with the newspaper or television when he gets home from work.
A particularly difficult area of communication involves things that the husband and wife find in each other that they do not like. Marriage involves a very major adjustment in the lives of two persons who often have quite different personalities, likes and dislikes, collections of friends and relatives, etc. To take an oft-used example, a matter so trivial as how one squeezes the tube of toothpaste can be a source of friction in a marriage. It may be how she irons his shirts or how he keeps his den. Or it may be certain words or expressions one uses, stories or jokes one tells, or other habits or manners that may irritate the spouse. If there is no sin or compromise of Christian testimony involved, the spouse may choose to adapt himself/herself to the other’s behavior and seek to learn, with the aid of the Holy Spirit, to accept and overlook it. But if the disagreeable behavior continually produces irritation, or if it is sinful, then one should seek lovingly, patiently, and meekly (Gal. 6:1) to express to the other the nature of the concern. Here there is a great need to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15) and to have the love of God shed abroad in our hearts (Rom. 5:5). The one with the disagreeable habit correspondingly should seek to accept the criticism without anger, irritation, defensiveness, or retaliation. Ideally, the two should be able to pray together about the matter. Some couples have found it helpful occasionally to write down and share lists of things they like and dislike about each other. This, of course, should only be done by mutual consent, and obviously the emphasis should be on trying to list as many positive, likeable traits as possible.
Confession and Forgiveness
This topic is, in many ways, an extension of the previous paragraph. In moments of weakness, impatience, tiredness, and being out of communion with our heavenly Father, we say or do things which are unwise, or sinful, or offensive to other persons. Very often the "other person" is our spouse. And all too frequently, since it is our spouse, we take a lax attitude about the matter, or perhaps even become defensive about our offense. Instead of being sorry for the word or deed which hurt our spouse, we become irritated that the other cannot just overlook and not take seriously those careless things we say and do. This may lead to angry exchanges and continuing conflict. Or what may often be worse, one of the spouses retaliates by giving the other the "silent treatment."
What is so sorely needed in such instances is confession_that is, the acknowledgment of sin or careless behavior on the part of the offender. (Often both spouses will be the offenders by the time it is over.) Let it be noted that statements such as, "I am sorry if I did anything to offend you," do not constitute real confessions. Rather they place the blame on the other person for having so sensitive a constitution as to be easily offended. Next to "I love you," perhaps the most important words to be communicated by one marriage partner to another are, "Honey, I was wrong; will you forgive me?" Confession to God of our sins is incomplete if it does not also include confession to those particular persons against whom we have sinned (Matt. 5:23,24; Jas. 5:16; Prov. 28:13).
On the other side, let there always be a spirit of forgiveness toward our spouses as toward all men. We need not wait for confession to do this. "The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression" (Prov. 19:11). Just think of all that God has forgiven in us; the vast majority of our sins we have never even been aware of. In the light of this, how can we withhold our forgiveness of others? (Matt. 6:12,14,15; 18:21-35; Luke 17:3,4; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).
Finally, in connection with forgiveness, there is an important principle stated in 1 Cor. 13:5:"[Love] thinketh no evil." Literally this means that love does not keep accounts or records of the evil done against it. So the message to husbands and wives is not to hold grudges against each other, or bring up again past offenses which have already been confessed and forgiven.
Management of Finances
It is wise for the husband and wife periodically to plan together a budget based on total resources and anticipated income which allots a set amount for food, clothing, household expenses, automotive expenses, utilities, etc., and also allows for some saving for larger purchases and for emergencies. They should pray together for wisdom and guidance from the Lord as to spending, saving, and specific purchases.
A snare which newly married couples often fall into, and which sometimes ends up destroying the marriage, is to covet too high a standard of living from the outset. There is a tendency with young people to want to begin their own homes at the same standard presently enjoyed by their parents, forgetting that in most instances their parents started out quite simply and lived within their means. In attempting to attain this standard the couple quickly finds themselves deep in debt with a large portion of the weekly paychecks going to make payments to creditors. In order to meet expenses, the husband begins volunteering for overtime duty or takes a second job, and the wife gets a job_or maybe two_as well. As a result, the husband and wife hardly see each other any more; if they should have children, these soon get shunted off to a day-care center; the marriage relationship becomes strained, often to the breaking point; and the higher standard of living sought after, and perhaps attained, is enjoyed by neither spouse.
Listen to what Scripture has to say in this regard:"Godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content" (1 Tim. 6:6-8). "Be content with such things as ye have" (Heb. 13:5). "Owe no man anything, but to love one another" (Rom. 13:8). "The borrower is servant to the lender" (Prov. 22:7).
In conclusion, let us heed the apostle Paul’s exhortation to pray "always . . . with all perseverance and supplication for all saints" (Eph. 6:18). Let us not forget to consider the many married couples among the saints, praying that they might enjoy a truly happy marriage. Let us not wait until a marriage is on the rocks before we begin praying for the couple. And if the Lord makes us aware of a possible trouble spot in the marriage of a particular couple, let us be faithful to seek wisdom from the Lord to be able to help that couple. Perhaps if there were more "preventive medicine" being practiced, there would be fewer sick and dying marriages and more truly happy ones today.
FRAGMENT "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands . . . husbands, love your wives" (Eph. 5:22-29). Note that the apostle does not say, "Wives, demand of your husbands that they love you," nor, "Husbands, demand submission from your wives." No, for this at once would be the opposite of the grace under which we are, which never claims, but gives, and finally gets its claims by ever giving. Let, then, "every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband" (Eph. 5:33). In so doing, we cannot fail to enjoy all the blessings which marriage can give, even in the midst of a ruined creation. God will be with us, and where God is there is the best of everything. Trials and difficulties there will be, but where God is, there is the spirit of love, unity, forgiveness, and tenderness. A sweet life of companionship is thus vouchsafed to us while we pass through a world so full of misery.