There is much talk today about "compatibility" in connection with the marriage relationship. A
large percentage of marriages today end in divorce due to so-called "incompatibility." And so, as
the relationship between a young man and a young woman passes from the stage of casual
friendship to that of steady friendship and then to the contemplation and discussion of possible
marriage, the question of mutual compatibility for marriage usually comes to the fore.

The idea prevalent in this country today is that persons contemplating marriage should go to bed
together, or even share a room or apartment together, in order to find out whether they are
physically compatible. The big problem with this notion_and divorce statistics bear this out_is
that the demonstration of so-called physical compatibility prior to marriage does not give any
assurance that enjoyment of the physical relationship will continue much beyond the honeymoon
period. A good and healthy and lasting marriage is one based not on physical but on spiritual
compatibility. The enjoyment of the physical relationship throughout a couple’s marriage will
depend in large measure on the strength of their spiritual relationship.

What does this say, then, to those who are contemplating marriage, whether in the pre-engagement
period of their relationship or else the time when they are formally engaged to be married? Surely
it helps to define the proper range of activities that should occupy such persons. During the earlier
periods of the couple’s relationship_the casual and steady friendship periods_they no doubt have
found out each other’s basic interests, likes and dislikes, attitudes about God and Christ and the
Church, and whether the other is truly saved. If both are saved, they also have begun to discover
what place the Lord has in each other’s lives. As the mutual relationship becomes more serious,
the need to ascertain the depth of each other’s commitment and relationship to Christ as Lord of
their lives becomes more intense.

Thus the premarital period should be characterized by the young man and woman spending time
reading the Bible together and going through Bible study guides together, including one or more
written especially for engaged couples (such as the one by J. Allan Petersen, Before You Marry,
Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Wheaton, Illinois). They should be spending time finding out
where each stands on the basic doctrines of Scripture. And if they disagree widely in certain areas
of doctrine_for example, one believing in believer’s baptism and the other in household baptism,
or one believing in a pre-tribulation rapture of the Church and the other holding to a post-
millennial rapture_they need to be discovering how they react to these differences and how they
might either resolve or cope with these differences throughout their married lives. If one seems
to possess an overwhelming need to "convert" the other to his or her way of thinking, this may
be a portent of great difficulties in the future.

In addition to exploring where each stands with regard to the basic doctrines of Scripture, it is well
to discuss the practical applications of the Scriptures, particularly as they might impact on their
future husband-wife and parent-child relationships. For example, there could be real problems in
raising children if one favors using the rod arid the other is adamantly opposed to this method of
disciplining one’s children.

During the pre-engagement period in which marriage is being considered, as well as throughout
the engagement period while more definite plans are being made for the wedding and marriage,
there should be a willingness and desire for the man and woman to pray together, not only for the
Lord’s help in every aspect of their plans for marriage, but that the Lord would make abundantly
clear to them His will concerning the proposed marriage. It is well to remember that while the
engagement to be married represents a solemn pledge between a man and a woman of their
intention to marry each other, and that it must not be lightly entered into nor lightly broken, yet
it is far better to break off an engagement if led by the Lord to do so than to enter into the lifelong
commitment of a marriage that does not have the Lord’s full approval. It is also important to have
a sufficiently long pre-engagement and engagement period to find out about possible problem
areas and to learn conclusively God’s will concerning the proposed marriage.

Before concluding this chapter on the premarital period, let us return once again to a consideration
of the physical relationship. Some may be saying, "It is fine to develop the spiritual relationship,
but what is wrong with experimenting with the physical relationship as well?" Others may add,
"What harm can it do? we are planning to get married anyway."

Let us see, first of all, what Scripture has to say concerning this matter of premarital sexual
activity. There are, as the reader is fully aware, many scriptures forbidding fornication_that is,
a sexual relationship outside the confines of marriage (see, for example, Acts 15:20; 1 Cor. 6:13-
20; 1 Cor. 10:8; Eph. 5:3; Col. 3:5; 1 Thess. 4:3). Further, in Deut. 22:13-21 we find that it was
expected of young women that they should enter into the marriage relationship as virgins. And as
a New Testament testimony, Mary could never have been chosen as the mother of the Messiah
if she had been influenced by the thinking that characterizes the world today_and is influencing
many Christians as well_that if two people are in love or engaged to be married, then any degree
of physical demonstration of their love is acceptable. God honored Mary’s purity and He will
honor all young men and women who wish to please Him by remaining virgins until marriage by
helping them to achieve truly happy marriages.

As a further scriptural evidence against premarital sexual activity, consider the apostle Paul’s
words to the church at Corinth:"I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as
a chaste virgin to Christ" (2 Cor. 11:2). Marriage is a type of the union between Christ and His
Church (Eph. 5). This "Church age" is actually the Church’s engagement period; the marriage
ceremony will not take place until after Christ comes to raise up the Church to Himself in the
"rapture" (1 Thess. 4:13-18; Rev. 19:7). Just as the Church is to be presented as a chaste virgin
to Christ, our Bridegroom, so it is beautiful and pleasing to God when a Christian couple enters
into marriage as virgins.

Premature entry into an intimate physical relationship short circuits the development of a real
spiritual relationship. This can happen in several ways, as pointed out by another:"First, the
intimacy is physically and emotionally exciting and the couple loses interest in spiritual matters.
Second, the fact that their relationship is a secret between the two of them which they try to
conceal from others may make them feel a certain closeness and loyalty to each other. They may
mistake this closeness for real unity of spirit, but it will fade away when marriage makes their
relationship ‘respectable’ and there is no need to conceal it. They no longer will share a secret and

they will find they share little else of real meaning. Third, since they are not pleasing God, they
cannot become closer to Him while out of communion with Him. Fourth, the feelings of guilt
which their behavior may arouse will tend to interfere with the development of real intimacy after
marriage. God will bless those couples who use dating and engagement periods for the
development of spiritual and emotional unity and save physical intimacy for marriage. They will
have not only spiritual intimacy but a truly joyous physical relationship as well” ( Young People
of the Bible by A.M., Moments With The Book, Bedford, PA, 1977).

A further reason for avoiding premature physical intimacy is this:If this intimacy should result
in pregnancy prior to marriage, the couple’s focus will tend to shift all the more away from the
development of a strong spiritual relationship and from seeking to make absolutely certain that it
is God’s will that they should marry each other. Rather, all too often, hasty plans are made to
consummate marriage in order to reduce the level of shame and embarrassment.

Finally, let us consider some observations made by a Christian counselor:"Throughout Scripture,
God makes it clear that intimacy is to be enjoyed by married partners. . . . God designed us
emotionally so that sex outside of marriage is not nearly as fulfilling or enjoyable as within that
secure bond.

"Tragic damages occur when God’s standard is violated. Let me share just one for the sake of
clarification.

"A great deal of my counseling time is invested in the lives of couples planning to get married.
During the three premarital counseling sessions, I probe deeply into their relationship. We discuss
their lives from several perspectives:spiritually, emotionally, financially, socially, and sexually.
It is not uncommon for those I plan to marry to have been intimately involved with each other.
I require that this be stopped if such has been the case. Before we proceed I have each one
promise me that from that day on (until they are married) they will sustain restraint and self-
control in their relationship.

"Here’s why. If promiscuity is not completely stopped for a period of time before marriage, then
after marriage a strange reversal in their roles occurs. The young bride marries with
disappointment over the violation done against her by her fiancee. She soon becomes dominant
and aggressive, taking the role of leadership from her husband because of a mixture of resentment
and anger. And the man? Well, he feels guilty, disappointed with himself, and ultimately becomes
passive. She takes charge (and hates it) while he backs off (and feels miserable). All because their
intimate relationship was incorrectly set in motion before marriage.

"Of the hundreds of unhappy couples I have counseled who finally admitted to premarital
promiscuity, I can hardly recall an exception to this strange pattern. A Christian psychologist
friend of mine told me that the number one problem he deals with in his busy practice is the
passive male.

"So many men today find it difficult (impossible?) to take the proper role of authority in their
home. I wonder how much of it stems from aggressive yet immoral, illicit involvements that were

maintained during courtship days . . . and now they are suffering reverse consequences" (Strike
the Original Match by Charles R. Swindoll, copyright 1980 by Multnomah Press, Portland, OR
97266; used by permission).

In the next issue, D.V., we shall consider some of the elements which contribute to a happy
marriage.