Marriage is a lifetime commitment (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5, 6). It should not be entered into
quickly or lightly. The following paragraphs, compiled from various sources, give some thoughts
from Scripture and from human experience which may help a couple in determining whether God
wants them to marry each other; and, if so, how best to prepare for marriage. Various kinds of
incompatibilities, warning signs, potential problem areas, and questions to be asked of one another
are presented below for consideration by couples contemplating marriage.
* * *
One of the prime considerations when one is contemplating marriage is an understanding of the
roles of both the husband and the wife. Who in the marriage relationship will be responsible for
what? Both partners must clearly understand the teachings on the marriage relationship that are
presented in the Epistles (Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18,19; 1 Pet. 3:1-7) and they must agree to live
by these teachings.
* * *
A matter often overlooked as unimportant is the matter of in-law relationships. Many a young man
has said, "I am not marrying her family; I am marrying her." But in marrying her, he is, in a
sense, marrying her family, for she brings into the marriage relationship all her family
background. And so does he. If it has always been understood in a girl’s family that the entire clan
gathers at Grandma’s house every Sunday afternoon, then a habit has been formed that may be
difficult to alter. If this girl plans to marry a young man who comes from a background where
everyone stays at home on Sunday afternoon reading the paper, resting, or whatever, a decision
will have to be made. How much better it is if the decision can be reached before the wedding so
as to avoid conflict and hurt feelings early in the marriage.
* * *
Another question which should be discussed before the knot is tied has to do with service for the
Lord. By the time young people have reached "marrying age" many of them have made
commitments to the Lord concerning their future lives. These may relate to service overseas as
missionaries of one type or another, or they may deal with ministries on the home front. It is not
enough simply to be committed to Christ as an individual. In marriage, the two become one, and
the "one" which is created through marriage must be free to follow God’s leading. It is far better
for both partners to know they are heading in the same direction with regard to service for the
Lord before the wedding day than to assume so, only to learn later that they had different goals
in mind.
* * *
Notice what the servant of Abraham looked for with regard to the girl that he was hoping to find
for Isaac:"And she said, Drink, my Lord; and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her
hand, and gave him drink. And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water
for thy camels also, until they have done drinking. And she hasted . . . and drew for all his
camels" (Gen. 24:18-20). Here was a young lady who, I believe, was born into a fairly wealthy
family, but she had a servant’s heart. Ruth also had a servant’s heart. Ruth 2 gives the actual
account of how she had worked all day out in the field, and then when she came back, she took
time yet that evening to beat out the grain. A Christian person considering marriage should
similarly look for a man or a woman of principle and of kindness, one willing to make
himself/herself available to minister to the needs of others.
* * *
Both must have the approval of their parents as to their marriage. Their parents, in many cases,
may not be believers, but they ought to be in agreement that it is appropriate for these two young
people to be married. The marriage of Isaac and Rebekah received the approval of both their
fathers (Gen. 24:40,51).
* * *
It is important to see how each treats his/her parents. Girls, how does he treat his mother? I have
seen again and again that the man who is unkind to his mother is going to treat his wife in the
same way. And fellows, how does she respond to the authority of her parents? I have had to point
out to more than one young man how his future wife resists the authority of her mother and father
and simply does as she pleases. I can assure such a young man that such a girl will do that same
thing to him once the honeymoon is over.
* * *
Marriage demands stability. Therefore a couple should be realistic and do some serious thinking
before they sign. An honest evaluation should be made of the intended partner in such areas as
school, jobs, friends (of both sexes), church, family relationships, goals for the future, and
spiritual devotion. Ask these questions:Does he have a certain type of vocation in view, or does
he keep changing his mind? Does he keep his same Christian friends for a number of years? Does
he consistently get along well with his parents? Answers to these questions will tell you whether
he is stable or a vacillating person.
* * *
Marriage is companionship. In addition to loving one another, the couple intending marriage
should like each other. They should make sure they can be happy just being good companions.
I assure them that there is the ecstasy of physical love. But in marriage a large amount of tune is
spent "companioning"_going places together, doing things together, washing the dishes together,
talking together, training and caring for the children together_ just being companions and friends.
* * *
Questions for the pre-engaged to consider:
1 . Are the two of you on an equal spiritual plane?
2. Are your family backgrounds similar in culture? tradition? economic, educational, and social
status?
3. Do you agree on each other’s career choices?
4. Do you agree on moral values?
5. Are you listening to your parents’ observations?
6. Do you share common likes and dislikes in recreation? entertainment? friends?
7. Do you enjoy one another’s appearance? sense of humor? attitudes toward life? achievements?
personality? emotions? habits of cleanliness?
If you have more No than Yes answers, could you overlook these differences during a lifetime
together?
* * *
Some things to consider carefully and prayerfully together during engagement:
1. Are you both grounded hi Bible doctrine?
2. Can you freely discuss your spiritual convictions?
3. Do you pray aloud with one another?
4. Do you memorize Scripture together?
5. Are there any serious differences in your spiritual concepts?
6. Are you both concerned with ministering to the lost?
7. Do you both desire to develop your gifts, as outlined in Romans 12?
8. Do you enjoy fellowshiping with other Christians?
9. What were your relationships with brothers and sisters, father and mother? How were
disagreements handled in the home?
10. Are you a night person or a day person?
11. Can you get along with your future mate’s parents without conflict?
12. Would you ever gossip to your parents about your mate’s weaknesses?
13. Do you agree on the geographical location of your permanent residence?
14. What are your short-term and long-range goals?
15. What are your spending (and saving) habits?
16. Are you equally punctual? equally neat?
17. How do you resolve arguments?
18. Do you hold grudges?
19. Can you forgive your mate-to-be for any past wrong
doing?
20. Do you ever blame anyone else for your mistakes?
* * *
It is inevitable that some differences will exist in personality, attitudes, goals, etc. between the
man and woman who plan to marry. The marriage is not doomed because of such differences per
se. However, an engaged couple ought to understand that marriage will accentuate their
differences. Therefore, all differences should be discussed and understood and steps taken during
engagement to accept what they see without criticism and without selfish demands. The-key to
success in marriage is to agree to disagree agreeably.
One wife said a year after the wedding, "During the engagement I was so afraid of losing him that
although I noticed a lot of things I did not like, I didn’t say anything. I thought things would get
better after the wedding. Now all we do is fight." But why wait until after marriage to discover
differences? The pre-engagement period is far more important than people realize; and the
engagement is crucial, for it prepares a couple for marriage. Since a successful marriage depends
on constant communication, the engaged couple must talk, talk, talk.