Our hearts go
out to married couples of which only one of the partners is saved. How
difficult it often is for such couples to enjoy the full mutual happiness that
comes from both partners being submitted to the Lord. We should seek to
encourage the believing spouse by assuring him/her of our prayers. But can we
do more? Is there any advice we can give to our brothers and sisters in such
situations? Let us seek counsel from the holy Scriptures.
The Wife’s Meek and
Quiet Spirit
In 1 Peter
3:1-4 we find the following advice given to the wife of an unsaved man:
“Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, that, if any obey
not the Word, they also may without the Word be won by the conversation of the
wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose
adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of
wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of
the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and
quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.”
The first point
made by the apostle is that wives should be subject to the authority of their
husbands. We have noted in a previous issue how important this is for achieving
a happy marriage when both partners are saved. It is of no less importance if
the husband is not saved, for it not only will help to make the marriage more
stable and enjoyable, but it will also be a most effective testimony to the
unsaved husband. An attitude of submission (verse 1), chaste or pure behavior
(verse 2), and a meek and quiet spirit (verse 4) are all important elements to
be manifested by a woman who wishes to see the salvation of her husband. The
word “conversation” in verses 1 and 2 is an unfortunate translation in the King
James Version. “Behavior” is a better translation. The thrust of the passage is
that the husband is won to the Lord not by much preaching and cajoling by the
wife but by the submissive, pure, meek, and quiet behavior of the wife.
Often, the wife may try too hard to push Christianity onto her husband.
Sprinkling the house with gospel tracts, covering the walls with Scripture
texts, having the Christian radio station on whenever he is home, and having
Christian friends come over to speak to the husband may have the effect of
driving him further away from the Lord. On the other hand, the husband is
watching the wife very carefully to see what effect Christ and Christianity are
having in her personal life. If she is living a Christ-like life (see 1 Pet.
2:21-23 for some elements of this), diligently attending to his physical,
emotional, and material needs, showing love and affection to him, and being
submissive to him, these attitudes and actions will certainly not go unnoticed
by him.
The Wife’s Manner of Dress
Another point
made by the apostle has to do with the wife’s manner of dress. She should dress
modestly at all times, not seeking to draw attention to herself by the type of
clothing or jewelry she wears. Her husband will tend to fear that he may have
rivals for his wife’s affections among her Christian friends, so he needs a
great deal of reassurance as to his wife’s devotedness to him.
The Wife’s Submission to
Her Unsaved Husband
With regard to
“Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands,” a perplexing question
frequently arises:“How far does this subjection go?” Suppose the husband does
not allow the wife to attend the meetings and activities of the assembly.
Should the wife submit and stay home on the basis of this Scripture along with
Eph. 5:22,23, or should she disobey her husband on the basis of “we ought to
obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29) and “not forsaking the assembling of
ourselves together” (Heb. 10:25)? There is no easy answer to these questions,
but I would tend to advise along the line of submission to the husband in this
as well as other situations that do not require her to engage in wicked
behavior. It may help to consider that while man looks on the outward
appearance, God looks on the heart. If the sister’s heart is with the
assembly—if she longs to be there but is prevented by her husband—the Lord
takes note of that. One is not generally considered to be forsaking the
assembly if prevented because of a trial such as a serious chronic illness; is
it any different if one is prevented because of a different kind of trial such
as an unsaved and unyielding husband?
Not Blind, Unquestioning
Obedience
Obedience to
the husband in such instances should not necessarily be a blind, unquestioning
obedience. The wife would do well to seek to discern her husband’s reasons for
his prohibition. It may be that he simply resents her being away from home. He
may fear that she is not satisfied with the friendship and companionship which
he has to offer her and that she is seeking it from persons who share her
Christian faith. He may feel that she will neglect her household duties, or may
not be available when he needs her. Thus, the wife should make a special effort
to prove to her husband that she really does care for him and enjoys spending
time with him. She should take the initiative in suggesting things to do and
places to go together, considering particularly his interests. If he does allow
her to go out occasionally, she should make it a point to return home promptly
after the service is over. And if she believes that it is God’s will that she
disobey her husband’s wishes in order to attend meetings of the assembly, then
she should bend over backwards to be submissive to her husband in every other
respect possible.
An Unsaved Wife
If it is the
husband who is saved and the wife unsaved, many of the same principles apply.
While the husband is not bound by Scripture to submit to his wife’s wishes
concerning his Christian activities, he must give full consideration to her
fears, needs, and desires. He might consider curtailing some of his
church-related activities in order to spend time with her. He ought to make
every effort frequently to reassure her of his love for her. Also, Peter
exhorts the husbands to give “honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel”
(1 Pet. 3:7). Since women tend to be weaker physically and tire more easily
than men, the husband should guard against frequently running off under the
guise of serving the Lord or meeting with his fellow Christians, while leaving
his already tired wife behind to clean up the kitchen, put the children to bed,
and pack his lunch. Such actions will not go far in attracting the wife to the
Lord Jesus.
Sanctifying Influence of the
Saved Spouse and Parent
Further
instruction is given in 1 Cor. 7:12-16. While Christians are to carefully avoid
entering into an unequal yoke in marriage, once they find themselves in such a
yoke they are not to seek to get out of it. The saved one by a Christ-like life
has a sanctifying effect upon the unbelieving spouse, as well as upon the
children. But suppose the unbelieving spouse lays down the ultimatum:“Either
you give up all manifestations of your Christian life or I am leaving.” Verse
15 of this chapter suggests that the believer should let the spouse leave in
such instances. While every effort should be made to preserve a marriage (in
keeping with Gen. 2:24 and Matt. 19:6), no one is asked to do this at the
expense of giving up the Christian faith.
Marriage of a Saved Person
to an Unbeliever
The passages we
have been considering in 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians likely were written
primarily to those who were already married when they became saved. The
principles apply equally to those believers who, in violation of 2 Cor. 6:14,
willfully marry an unbeliever. However, many additional problems may exist here
because of the sin of the believer in disobeying God’s Word with regard to
choice of a marriage partner. There may be the problem of guilt feelings due to
not having confessed the sin or not being sure that God can or will forgive so
serious a sin. For this we need to be reminded of the wonderful promise in 1
John 1:9:“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our
sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” There may be envy
toward others who did not commit the same sin and as a consequence are
enjoying happy Christian marriages. This attitude needs to be confessed as
sinful. One may engage in self-pity, which often leads to depression, as a
result of making the foolish choice. Or, conversely, there may be fantasizing
about how much more pleasant life would be if married to another Christian.
Brooding over the past, being depressed over the present, despairing over the
future, and dreaming about what might have been … but is not, will only
increase the problems, make it more difficult truly to love and cherish one’s spouse,
and lessen the effectiveness of a Christian witness toward that person.
No Thoughts of Divorce
Above all, the
saved partner must diligently avoid entertaining the hope that his or her
unsaved partner will initiate a divorce. If this is at all in the mind of the
saved partner, it may give rise to subtle behaviors aimed at sabotaging the
marriage and turning away the heart of the partner. The saved partner might
think that a divorce will automatically set him/her free to find and marry
another Christian. However, this thinking is not Scriptural. The verse, “if the
unbelieving depart … a brother or a sister is not under bondage” (1 Cor.
7:15) does not imply freedom to remarry. (A detailed exposition of this verse
can be found in the writer’s book, The Christian and Marriage, and in Words
of Truth, July-August 1982, or by writing to the editor.) Only if the
unsaved partner remarries (thus committing adultery in the extreme) might the
saved partner be free to remarry (Matt. 5:32; 19:9). Even then, if the saved
partner has undermined the first marriage, how can he/she expect God to bless a
new marriage?
For those who
may not be doing all they can to preserve their marriage and to be the best
possible wife or husband to their spouse, I urge the following:Confess your
sin to God and accept His forgiveness. Persevere in prayer (Col. 4:2 JND), both
for the salvation of your spouse and for spiritual wisdom, patience, and
strength for yourself. Keep believing that God will answer your prayers
concerning your unsaved spouse. Keep feeding on God’s Word, and if you have
children, be faithful and persistent in feeding them the Word as well. Keep
living the Christian life with a meek, quiet, submissive spirit. And though
faint, keep pursuing (Judg. 8:4) these goals; keep following Christ.