We have discussed several aspects of preparation for death_both our own and that of a loved one.
Let us now suppose that the death of a loved one has occurred. What are some of the emotions and
problems that we have to work through following the loss of a loved one? And how can we best
help others who are grieving over such a loss?

Dealing with the Death of a Loved One

Let us begin by giving another’s definition and description of grief:"Grief is the emotion, or
complex of emotions, we experience when we lose anyone or anything we care about deeply. An
amputee who loses an arm or a leg goes through grief…. A boy may grieve when a romance
breaks up…. Grief may touch a worker when he retires from a long-held position…. Whenever
we lose some person or possession that has provided emotional security or satisfaction, grief may
follow" (Haddon W. Robinson, Grief, ©1974, Zondervan Publishing House).

The several Hebrew and Greek words translated "grief" and "sorrow" often carry the meanings
of pain, sickness, weakness, or affliction. For example, Job’s three friends did not speak to him
because "they saw that his grief [literally, pain] was very great" (Job 2:13).

Sometimes Christians who have lost one near and dear to them are admonished by well-meaning
comforters:"Now you must get hold of yourself and not mourn and weep; you ought to be happy
to know that your beloved is safe in the arms of Jesus and is happier than ever before." The last
part of that statement is blessedly true for all who are truly saved and die in Christ. However, it
does not mean that it is wrong for one to grieve, to feel keenly the pain and loneliness of
separation from a loved one. The Apostle Paul wrote, "I would not have you to be ignorant,
brethren, concerning those who are asleep [or have died], that you sorrow not" (1 Thess. 4:13).
Sometimes we stop there, but there is more to the verse:"Even as others who have no hope." So
this verse is not telling us that we ought not to experience grief and sorrow when a Christian loved
one dies, but that our grief is going to be different in character from that of one who has no hope.
Our grief is lightened somewhat by the knowledge that our loved one is with the Lord and that we
shall one day see our loved one again in heaven. But nevertheless we still grieve because of the
present loss we have incurred and because of the ensuing loneliness. There is no better illustration
in Scripture of the propriety of grief and mourning than that provided for us at the tomb of
Lazarus:"Jesus wept" (John 11:35).

Does grieving always begin at the time of death? If the death is sudden and unexpected, grief of
the survivors will generally begin with the emotion of shock and disbelief upon receiving word
of the death. However, if death is the culmination of an extended period of illness, pain, and
suffering, the grieving often begins long before the actual death. It may commence with a
diagnosis of cancer or with a declaration by the physician that "there is nothing more we can do."
In this instance, the course of the grief may be quite different from that where the death is sudden
and unexpected. This is because the one who is dying and the loved ones go through the grief
together. In a certain sense, they share the pain, discomfort, and embarrassment associated with
the illness. They also share_and help each other work through_the fears and uncertainties of the

future. The dying one, even though a believer, may have fears about the increasing pain, or what
it will be like to die. The survivors may have fears about ability to cope with life without the loved
one. But by the time of actual separation by death, the survivors may have already worked through
much of their grief.

A brother once told me that he felt guilty that he did not experience more grief following the death
of his wife. But the fact that his wife had suffered with cancer for many months before she died
meant that he had already experienced a great deal of grief while watching his loved one’s life ebb
away. Her death_with its release from all the pain and suffering_was in a sense a great relief to
the rest of the family.

The practice in some circles of not telling the sick person that he/she has a terminal illness only
makes the grieving process much more complicated and difficult. Besides, it is sinful and
hypocritical (Rom. 12:9), a cruel lie of pretending that nothing is wrong. Another describes the
consequences of lying to the patient:"A false, artificial relationship (everyone was always afraid
that he might find out) began to grow. Most dying persons know anyway, but everyone (all
around) was afraid to broach the subject. No significant communication between husband and wife
or children and parent took place. The problem got in the way every time they were together.
They could never really talk about the expected death or about what was going to happen after
death. Fear grew in the one who was to be left that the deceased might have been able to relieve
by his wise help and careful planning during those last few months. On the other hand, a vital
ministry of love and help was withheld from the dying loved one who was effectively cut off from
everything he needed. The physician and family meant well, but because they violated God’s law,
they destroyed all that might have been good. They could not plan together for the eventuality of
death. There could be no last words to the children.

"This terrible situation so often exists today. One person dies and the family … remembers the
lies, the hard days, the emptiness, and fear. There was no grieving together before death possible.
Nothing relieves and helps grief more than this…. Much of the heartache of grief could be
removed by proper Christian communication prior to death. If a husband and wife discuss the
expected death beforehand, grief can be lessened by open exchange, reconciliation (if necessary),
planning, preparation, warm moments and honest joint prayer and ministry of the Word. There
can be pleasant memories of these last weeks or months, in contrast to the empty dread that
accompanies the lies. Children can be challenged to duty and devotion as they were by the dying
patriarchs. When people need one another so desperately, why should lies drive them apart?" (Jay
E. Adams, "Grief as a Counseling Opportunity" in The Big Umbrella, ©1972, Presbyterian and
Reformed Publishing Company).

It may be instructive for us to observe David during two periods of grieving. The first relates to
the death of the child born to him by Bathsheba as a result of their adulterous relationship. When
the Lord struck the child with a serious illness, David grieved for six days while the child was
dying. At the same time he prayed that God would be gracious and allow the child to live. But
when the child died, David "came into the house of the Lord and worshiped" and he said to his
servants, "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me" (2 Sam. 12:15-23). David had repented
of his sin with Bathsheba and was restored to the Lord (12:13). This would seem to be the reason

David was able to work through his grief rather quickly, even though the child was taken away
by the Lord as a judgment upon David for his sin.

David’s grief over the death of his grown son, Absalom, was quite a different story. At the time
of his death, Absalom was in rebellion against his father, and had even wrested part of the
kingdom away from his father. The death of Absalom meant victory for David’s army and the
restoration of the entire kingdom to David. But when David received news of the death of
Absalom, he wailed, "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would God I had died for
thee, O Absalom, my son, my son! … And the victory that day was turned into mourning unto all
the people; for the people heard say that day how the king was grieved for his son" (2 Sam. 18:31-
19:2). David’s army commander, Joab, rebuked the king for behaving as if he loved his enemies
more than his friends. No doubt, what made the death of Absalom so difficult for David to handle
was the fact that there was an unreconciled condition between them that could never be resolved
on earth, plus no real assurance that they would meet together in heaven.

This brings us back to the points made in Parts II and III of this series about the importance of
resolving interpersonal conflicts before death comes in and makes it impossible. How can a pastor
or counselor help a person who carries a load of guilt from unresolved conflicts with one who has
died? First of all, the survivor must be reminded that through the death of Jesus Christ there is
complete forgiveness with God. If he is willing fully to forgive the deceased person for his/her
part in the conflict, he must at the same time accept God’s forgiveness_provided for us at an
enormous price_for his part.

Second, while the survivor cannot experience reconciliation with the deceased person, he can be
encouraged to do whatever possible to right any continuing wrongs stemming from that conflict.
This might involve confessing his wrong, making restitution, and/or showing special kindness to
the family of the deceased person.

Third, the survivor should consider other relationships in which the same patterns of conflict may
yet exist. He should do everything possible (Rom. 12:18) to be reconciled with other persons in
his life.

The following account by Jay Adams illustrates what we have been talking about:"The friend of
a young girl who was killed suddenly sought help. He said that he had failed to use many
opportunities to witness to her about Christ. Now it was too late. He had become deeply depressed
over this matter and had come to believe that he was guilty of sending her to hell. Nothing anyone
could say would relieve the depression that had developed. Help came in the form of three things
that had to be done:(l) He needed to repent and to confess his sin of failure to witness. Truly he
had sinned against God and against the girl and had to be called to repentance. (2) He needed to
get his theology straightened out. He was not responsible for the eternal destiny of that girl,
although he was responsible for witnessing to her. She did not go to hell as the result of his sin;
if she went to hell, it was for her own sin. She was responsible to God for her sin; his
responsibility was to witness to her about it and about her need for a Saviour. Each was guilty of
separate sins. Truly his sin entered into the question of her eternal state, but she would suffer
eternally for her sin, not for his. (3) He could do nothing about the past but to repent, yet genuine

repentance would lead to fruit fitting to repentance:if his repentance over the sin of failure to
witness was sincere, he would do differently in the future. As a matter of fact, genuine relief came
only when he made a list of persons to whom a witness was long overdue and began to do what
he could to make up for lost time."

Helping Others Who Are Grieving

How can we help others who are grieving? First, we must be willing to weep with them. "Rejoice
with those that do rejoice, and weep with those who weep" (Rom. 12:15). This may include being
willing to let the bereaved one do all the talking and being a patient listener. And it may include
just sitting and holding the hand of the grieving one and wiping away the tears. "A little girl lost
a playmate in death, and one day reported to her family that she had gone to comfort the sorrowing
mother. ‘What did you say?’ the father asked. ‘Nothing,’ the child replied. ‘I just climbed up on
her lap and cried with her’" (Haddon Robinson).

During the period of initial shock, the grieving one may say things that are themselves shocking.
There may be expressions of anger toward the deceased person ("Why didn’t he take better care
of himself?"), or hostility toward God ("Why did He allow this to happen?"). However, this is not
the time for lectures and rebukes (possibly later if the anger persists). Martha mildly rebuked the
Lord, "If Thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." The Lord gently responded with an
encouraging word, "Your brother shall rise again" (John 11:21,23). A little later, Mary spoke the
same words to the Lord. He responded by weeping with her (11:32-35).

After the funeral, when all the guests have returned home, and the bereaved one is all alone in the
house, do not forget him/her! Supper time and evenings may be particularly difficult for one
recently widowed since these may have been the times of most frequent companionship with the
departed spouse. So inviting that person to dinner_and encouraging other friends and family
members to do the same_may be an immense help to such a one. On such occasions, we should
give the grieving one every opportunity and encouragement to talk about events in the past.
Haddon Robinson observes that "we are inclined to avoid mentioning the person who has died,
thinking that our comments will open wounds. Seldom is that true. Occasionally mentioning a
conversation or a happy incident from the past can show that others, too, have loved and miss the
person who has died."

Death often brings about great changes in a person’s life. Former companionship, security,
activities, rituals, and patterns of living are broken down, and in their place new ones need to be
built up. C.S. Lewis writes of the "laziness of grief." We may be of help to grieving persons by
encouraging them after an appropriate period of time to take up activities and renew friendships.

Illness, old age, pain, affliction, and death of a loved one are some of the ways God uses to uproot
our hearts from this present world which is passing away (1 John 2:17), and to redirect them to
the world to come (Eph. 1:21; Heb. 2:5; 6:5). So let us pray for ourselves and for one another that
when death comes into our lives, and the intense grief and loneliness that accompanies it, even this
might serve to draw us all the closer to our blessed Saviour. May we come to appreciate more the
One who Himself was preeminently the "Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isa. 53:3).

And may we thus be brought to a deeper, more constant longing for the heavenly realm where
"God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow,
nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain" (Rev. 21:4).