Some of the key elements that go into making a lasting and happy marriage have been discussed
previously in this series. These include the proper choice of a marriage partner and appropriate
behavior during the premarital period. If both the man and the woman are dedicated, born-again
Christians, and if they have developed a strong spiritual relationship during the engagement and
pre-engagement period, the marriage will be off to an excellent start. However, to maintain a
happy, vital marriage long term usually requires a great deal of adjustment by both partners and
much effort throughout their lives.

The results of a survey were published in the local newspaper recently. It was a study of 35
couples who had attained their 50th wedding anniversary. Spouses were interviewed individually
with the promise that their responses would not be told to their mates. To the surprise of the
researchers, they found that the majority of the couples_60 percent of them_ were unhappy in
their marriages. The fact that they had lived together for 50 years was not so much an expression
of their happiness as it was of the times in which they lived. They did not believe in divorce; it
was not an option to them nor to most couples who had grown up in their generation.

One of the purposes of this series on "The Christian and Marriage" is to reaffirm the position of
the Word of God_which happens also to coincide with the traditional American viewpoint_that
divorce is not an option, but is hated and forbidden by God (Mal. 2:16). (This topic of divorce
will be dealt with in detail in a future issue.) But in urging the position that marriage is for life and
that the couple should stick it out at all costs, it is not my desire to consign married couples to
lifetimes of mutual misery. Marriage should not just be a lifelong commitment (that is, "till death
do us part"); rather, I believe it is God’s intention that it should be a continual, lifelong source of
mutual joy and happiness for both partners. And this is possible when both are true Christians.
As both partners are progressively drawn closer to Christ, with Christ dwelling in then- hearts by
faith and being rooted and grounded in love (Eph. 3:17), they will experience not only increasing
joy in the Lord but a growing love for and joy with each other as well.

Many books have been written on this topic from a Christian perspective. Obviously we can only
scratch the surface in the few pages available in this magazine. A few suggestions for further
reading are given at the end of this article. Two key bases for a happy marriage are discussed in
Ephesians 5_love and submission. These will be discussed at this time. Other important
considerations will be taken up in the next issue, Lord willing.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church; and He is the Saviour of the body. Therefore
as the Church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it…. So
ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no
man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church"
(Eph. 5:22-29).

First, the wife is to submit herself to her husband, as the Church is subject unto Christ. What does

this entail? Let us note first that the One to whom the Church is to be subject is all-knowing, all-
wise, righteous, good, and loving. His commandments and actions and decisions are not grievous
but for the blessing of the Church. So it is in the best interests of the Church to listen carefully to
all that Christ enjoins and to obey implicitly and unquestioningly. The wife is also to submit to her
husband. But the problem arises that the husband is not all-knowing and all-wise; and rather than
being good and loving he may act out of selfish interests. Is the wife to suppress all her own
thoughts, knowledge, and wisdom, and quietly, submissively leave all decisions, large and small,
to her husband? In Gen. 2:18 we read that "the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should
be alone; I will make him an help meet for him [that is, a helper suited to him]." Thus, since the
husband, unlike Christ, is not all-knowing, all-wise, and completely unselfish, he should value the
help and input of his wife in the decision-making process. If she feels that a decision he has made
or is about to make is contrary to God’s mind, or may be harmful to the family or to others, or
is in any other way unwise, she should be free_ as his helpmate_to communicate in a loving way
her disagreement and her suggestions for a more appropriate course of action. Such
communication is for the good of all and should be encouraged by the husband.

For those areas in which the wife’s expertise and experience far exceed the husband’s, he may be
willing to delegate completely the decision making to her. However, he must realize that God has
delegated to him the ultimate authority and responsibility for the running of the household; thus
he must be prepared at least to share in the responsibility for any unwise decisions made by his
wife.

For the husband’s part, there is to be no lording over his wife just because she is to be submissive
to him. She is not his slave to do his bidding nor his property to do with as he pleases. The word
to husbands is "love your wives." And this love is something far deeper and inclusive than
romantic love, or the love that is associated with physical intimacy. Husbands are to love their
wives "even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it." This is agape love, that
self-sacrificing love that seeks the benefit and blessing of others even if it costs self something.
So the decisions made by the husband, if he is filled with love for his wife and family, will be
designed to please his wife; thus he will seek to have her share in the decision making.

There may yet, with all this, be matters on which the couple continues to disagree, even after
patiently discussing each other’s viewpoints and even after praying together about the matter. In
such a case, it must be recognized that God has ordered that final authority rest with the husband
and that the wife is to submit to his decision. If it is a decision which the wife feels could lead to
adverse consequences for the family (for example, purchase of a luxury item beyond the family’s
financial means), the wife might still pray that the Lord will deal directly with her husband to
prevent or undo the decision or action; she should also pray for patience and seek the Lord’s help
to do whatever she Can to minimize the possible adverse consequences of the decision upon the
family.

If any of our female readers resent the fact that God has granted to the husbands the final authority
for running the household, please realize that at all levels of society there is a need for a chain of
command, an ultimate authority. Otherwise there would be anarchy. Thus, God has given parents
to be over the children; teachers over the pupils; employers over the employees; mayors,

governors, and presidents over the people in political subdivisions. The "powers that be" are
ministers of God for good (Rom. 13:1-4). All the more should the Christian husband be a minister
of God for the good and blessing of his wife and children. The Christian husband has a very
responsible position which requires much prayer and submission to God to fill properly. In fact,
his very position of leadership is given for the purpose of serving his wife and family, as Christ
said, "Let the leader [be] as he that serves" (Luke 22:26 JND).

So in conclusion, when the husband and wife can learn to work together, communicate their
feelings and desires to each other in a friendly and loving atmosphere, make decisions jointly
which are motivated by the desire for the welfare of each other and the family, and follow the
scriptural order of wives being submissive to then- husbands if agreement cannot be reached, there
will be a strong basis for a truly happy marriage.

This topic will be continued in the next issue, Lord willing. Also, the particular problems facing
a couple in which one is a Christian and the other is not will be considered in a later issue.

Suggested further reading on this topic:
1. LaHaye, Tim:How to Be Happy Though Married. Wheaton, IL:Tyndale House Publishers,
1968.
2. Swindoll, Charles R.:Strike the Original Match. Portland, OR:Multnomah Press, 1980.
3. Wilson, Paul:The Institution of Marriage. Addison, IL:Bible Truth Publishers, 1969.
4. Wright, H. Norman:Communication:Key to Your Marriage. Glendale, CA:G/L Publications,
1974.