“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance” (Galatians 5:22,23). I like to depict the marriage relationship as a triangle, with the husband and wife at the two angles at the base and with the Lord at the peak of the triangle. As both husband and wife grow spiritually and become more and more like their Lord and Saviour, we can imagine them ascending the two sides of the triangle toward the Lord. What happens then? The closer each one comes to the Lord, the closer they come to each other. The more the husband and wife grow in their display of the nine-fold fruit of the Spirit, the more strong and beautiful their marriage will become.
Love
Here are expressions sometimes spoken by married persons: “I wish my husband would try to understand me.” “My wife just isn’t meeting my needs.” “What am I getting out of this marriage?”
John 3:16 doesn’t say, “God loved the world so that He could get love in return.” Rather, “He gave!” If we give to our mate with the idea of getting something in return, we may often be disappointed. We may come to the point of saying, “Forget it. I’ll never try to give him/her anything again.” But this isn’t love; it isn’t the way God has loved each one of us.
Loving is giving, giving, giving, and giving some more. How much did Christ love us? How much did He give? “Walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and has given himself for us an offering … to God” (Ephesians 5:2).
Here are some characteristics of love:
1. Giving, self-sacrificial (John 3:16; Ephesians 5:2).
2. Unconditional, not dependent upon the good behavior of its object (Romans 5:6-10).
3. Not selfish, self-centered (1 Corinthians 13:4,5).
4. Not easily provoked or nursing grudges (1 Corinthians 13:5).
5. Enduring (1 Corinthians 13:7).
In a study of 750 couples with marital difficulties, the two most commonly reported problems were (1) a partner who was in love with himself/herself and (2) indifference on the part of one of the partners. Both of these problems—selfishness and indifference—are opposites of that love which is a fruit of the Spirit.
Husbands: Do you love your wife? Wives: Do you love your husband? Really? Do you love your partner sacrificially, just as Christ loved the Church? Are you willing to give up some or all of your own interests, time, friends, hobbies, habits, attitudes, behaviors, and/or pleasures in order to bring your wife or husband the greatest pleasure and happiness? Have you ever tried to find out what things make your partner happy? If you knew that your wife hated some activity that you enjoy, would you give it up, or greatly cut back on it, in order to spend time with her doing things she likes to do?
You may ask, “What if I am the only one who gives? What if my partner receives it all without giving anything in return?” First, you may need to become more alert to—and show appreciation for—the little bit of love your partner does show to you. But even if you can’t find any evidence of loving or giving by your partner, you have the glorious privilege of loving and giving as Christ did—who died for the ungodly, for sinners, and for His enemies (Romans 5:6-10). Dear brother or sister, be encouraged to persist in this activity of true love! “Let us not be weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9). I have no doubt that God has prepared special rewards for those who are content to give and give and give without receiving anything in return.
Joy And Peace
“The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). “Let the peace of God rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15). If both husband and wife are experiencing the “joy of the Lord” and “the peace of God” in their daily lives, it will be easy for them to create an atmosphere in their marriage in which they can be perfectly intimate and at ease with each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Both will feel totally comfortable in each other’s presence, and will be free to share their ideas, opinions, fears, concerns, and innermost thoughts and feelings with each other without fear of being rejected, put down, preached at, ridiculed, or teased. They will feel free to admit their failures without fear of their partner’s criticism or displeasure; they will feel free to talk about their successes without being rebuked by their partner for being proud and boastful.
Joy is having the sense of God’s grace and presence in the midst of trying circumstances (Acts 16:25; Philippians 4:4). When there is this joy in the marriage relationship, there will also be frequent expressions of thanks and appreciation by the husband and wife to each other.
Peace is freedom from worry about what might happen—but usually doesn’t. The antidote for worry is prayer: “Be careful [anxious, worried] for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6,7). The more areas of our lives we commit to the Lord daily in prayer, the more God’s perfect peace will surround us.
Praying And Reading Together.
Let us apply these principles to the marriage relationship. While standing in the meal line at a young people’s conference, a newly married young woman asked a couple of us old guys, “What advice do you have to offer to newlyweds?” I responded, “Set apart some time each day to spend with your husband reading the Bible and praying together.” While my wife and I were already in the habit of doing this with our children most evenings, once we started getting up earlier and reading and praying together as a couple, our marriage relationship began to improve dramatically. We began to find better ways to resolve our conflicts. We began doing more things to serve the Lord together. In short, our marriage was becoming more peaceful.
We need not take an “all or nothing” approach to this. If there is not time for both reading and praying, they might be alternated—reading together one day and praying together the next. By praying together I do not mean that the husband should pray and the wife listen, but that both should share in the praying. In the process of praying together we find ourselves taking an active interest in that which interests and concerns our partner. Of particular importance is joining together in united prayer for our children and for wisdom in bringing them up for the Lord (see Matthew 18:19 for the value of united prayer). Also, as another example of the value of praying together, if the husband has been joining with the wife in prayer for the salvation or spiritual growth of her friends and acquaintances, he will more readily and enthusiastically support her in activities—such as having her friends over for dinner—that may afford an opportunity to share the things of Christ with them.
In summary, as we allow the Holy Spirit to minister His fruit of joy and peace in our lives, we will be freed up to reach out more to our marriage partner, our children, and others around us.
Longsuffering
“We have been married for 15 years and still my husband does such and such” complains the wife. If you are tempted to think or say something like this, try to put yourself in God’s place. How long have you been a child of God? How long has He been trying to get you to change a certain habit or attitude?
Thus, the fruit of longsuffering means patiently adapting to each other’s idiosyncrasies and habits without trying to change the other into your own image. “With longsuffering, forbearing one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). It involves praying for, rather than preaching to, one’s partner. It literally means “long-tempered,” that is, the opposite of “short-tempered.”
Gentleness Or Kindness
“Be kind [or gentle] one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31,32). “Take My yoke upon you … for My yoke is easy [or gentle], and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:29,30).
The opposite of gentleness is being controlling or domineering—wanting to be king of the hill, having everything my way, with my opinions the only ones that count, my decisions the best ones.
We see in Ephesians 4:32 that gentleness leads to forgiveness. (Note: Chapter 8 later on in the book “The Christian And Marriage” by Paul Canner, takes up this theme of confession and forgiveness.)
Goodness
This word goodness in the New Testament denotes an attitude of helpfulness. Christ’s parable of the good Samaritan exemplifies this quality. “Honey, what can I do to help you?” should always take priority over, “Honey, get me my slippers and the newspaper.” “He who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who is chief [or leader], as he who serves” (Luke 22:26).
Faith
Our faith does not end with trusting in the Lord Jesus Christ for salvation. “We walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7). “Your faith grows exceedingly (2 Thessalonians 1:3). Our entire lives as Christians should be characterized by the exercise of faith, that is, trust and dependence upon the Lord. Just as we received Christ into our lives by faith and have the blessed confidence that we are saved and bound for heaven, so with equal confidence we are to entrust Him with every matter and care of our daily lives, to count upon His guidance and supply for our every need.
If husband and wife are both living and walking by faith and dependence upon the Lord every day of their married lives, this means that every decision will be referred to the Lord, seeking guidance to know and power to do His perfect will. How much marital conflict would be avoided in this way: Instead of the husband and wife arguing over what each would prefer to do, both honestly and earnestly dedicate themselves to finding out what the Lord wants them to do.
Meekness
Meekness involves giving up your own rights, not taking vengeance or retaliating if your partner says or does something that hurts you or that you don’t approve of (Numbers 12:3,13; 1 Samuel 25:32-34). For example, if your partner goes on a spending spree that you can ill afford, instead of getting even by going on a spree of your own, you do your best to help your family weather the financial problems left in the wake of your spouse’s indiscretion. Christ is our example: “I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth…. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:5,44). “A meek and quiet spirit … is in the sight of God of great price” (1 Peter 3:4).
A meek person is a confessing person. (Note The theme of confession and forgiveness is taken up in Chapter 8 of the book, “The Christian and Marriage” by Paul Canner).
Temperance Or Self-Control
What part of the body is most likely to get out of control? In James 3 we read, “The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity; it defiles the whole body. The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, who are made after the similitude of God.”
There is a little ditty that we used to say as children: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” In reality, however, the wounds administered by the tongue often hurt far more and longer than physical wounds. This is so often the case in the marriage relationship. “The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly” (Proverbs 26:22). “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21).
U.S. News & World Report, February 21, 1994, reports on a long-term follow-up study of married couples to identify the factors that predict divorce. The most significant factor during both early and later years of marriage was the frequency of insults and putdowns hurled at each other.
May the Holy Spirit help each married couple to control their tongues, to choose their words carefully, and to use their powers of speech to build up, rather than tear down, the marriage. May we learn the lessons of Proverbs 15: “A soft answer turns away wrath” and “A word spoken in due season, how good is it!” (verses 1 and 23).
Paul Canner
(From the book “The Christian And Marriage”)