I recently
received a letter from a brother saying that some co-workers of his had
relatives in lower Manhattan at the time of the September 11 horrors. He
writes, “All escaped, so fortunately my friends do not have to deal directly
with personal tragedy. I’m not sure that most people (myself included) are
equipped to help others deal with something of this severity. What do you
think?” This brother raises a good question. How well are we equipped
for such a task. It might be a good idea for each Christian assembly to
schedule a series of meetings to discuss what the Bible teaches us about
counseling people who have lost loved ones or are experiencing other kinds of
severe trials.
General Principles
Based on my own
rather limited experience, five important principles of counseling emerge:“Let
every man be swift to hear, slow to speak” (Jas. 1:19); “pray without ceasing”
(1 Thess. 5:17); “comfort the faint-hearted” (1 Thess. 5:14 JND); “Jesus wept”
(John 11:35); and “all Scripture … is profitable … that the man of God may
be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works” (2 Tim. 3:16,17). Let us
be careful not to jump in quickly with lots of verses like Romans 8:28 (as I
have had a tendency to do), but simply listen to, pray with, console, and weep
with the grieving or hurting person. As we listen, we may find out more
specifically what is troubling the person. Maybe the major grief is due to an
aching heart that is terribly lonely since the death of a loved one. Maybe there
are guilt-feelings or real guilt due to unconfessed sins against the loved one
who has died. Maybe there is excruciating physical pain. Maybe there is anger
toward God or medical personnel or family members. Maybe there are fears of
different sorts. Instead of giving a blanket prescription, “Well, brother, just
read your Bible and take your troubles to the Lord in prayer,” let us pray for
the spiritual wisdom to help the person by gently suggesting specific Scripture
verses and passages for specific concerns.
Counseling Those Who Are
Unsaved
If the
counselee is unsaved (or we are not sure of his/her state of soul), we must
still be willing to listen, pray, console, and weep. In addition, I believe it
is important to ask questions that will reveal the person’s relationship with
the Lord. In my personal experience as a volunteer at the Baltimore City
Detention Center for the past 16 years, many inmates have come to me with
overwhelming burdens and have poured out their grieving, troubled, hopeless,
and despairing hearts to me:Maybe a close family member just died (often a
grandmother who was particularly loving and caring or a brother who was shot to
death), or his wife has filed for divorce, or his entire family will have
nothing to do with him, or all of his family live far away and he has no
friends or relatives locally, or he has been evicted from his apartment and all
of his belongings will be put out by the street, or he has lost his job because
of his incarceration, or he tests HIV-positive, or he has been falsely and
wrongfully charged with murder, etc. Sometimes I can do a little bit to help
with these immediate problems, but many times I am utterly unable to help them
with these things. But, thank God, I can help with the greatest, deepest
need of that man. So I bring the discussion around to his relationship with the
Lord and go through a presentation of the gospel with him. Almost invariably,
these men go away thanking me for giving them hope and telling me that they
feel like the burden has lifted. How many of them have truly become saved I
cannot say, but they have been pointed in the right direction and can begin to
see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Counseling Those Who Are
Saved
A Christian
woman, grieving over the untimely loss of a loved one, asked, “What did I
do that the Lord should take away my loved one?” The Scriptures have much to
say in answer to questions like this. Here are 15 reasons given in the Bible in
answer to the question, “Why does God allow His people to suffer?”
1. That we
might be partakers of Christ’s sufferings. “Beloved, think it not strange
concerning the fiery trial which is to try you … but rejoice, inasmuch as you
are partakers of Christ’s sufferings” (1 Pet. 4:12,13; also Rom. 8:17; Col.
1:24; 2 Tim. 2:12; 1 Pet. 2:21).
2. That we
might be purified and partakers of God’s holiness. “For [our fathers] for a
few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but [God] for our profit, that
we might be partakers of His holiness” (Heb. 12:10; also Job 42:6; Psa.
119:67,71; 1 Pet. 5:10).
3. That we
might learn more of God’s grace and goodness and manifest the works and
goodness of God. “His disciples asked Him saying, Master, who sinned, this
man or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither has this
man sinned nor his parents, but that the works of God should be made manifest
in him” (John 9:2,3; also Psa. 107; Rom. 8:28).
4. That we
might glorify God. “If you be reproached for the name of Christ, happy are
you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you; on their part He is
evil spoken of but on your part He is glorified (1 Pet. 4:14,16; also Psa.
50:15; John 11:4; 17:5).
5. That we
might demonstrate the superiority of the power and grace of God to the power of
Satan. Satan said, “Touch all that [Job] has, and he will curse Thee to Thy
face.” Job said, “The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the
name of the LORD” (Job 1:11,21; 2:5,10; also Mark 5:1-15; Rev. 2:10).
6. That we
might learn patience. “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into
diverse temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith works
patience” (Jas. 1:3; Rom. 5:3).
7. That we
might realize our own weakness and learn to depend more upon the Lord’s
strength. “For this thing I besought the Lord thrice that it might depart
from me. And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you:for my strength
is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my
infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take
pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in
distresses for Christ’s sake:for when I am weak, then am I strong” (2 Cor.
12:8-10; also 1:9).
8. That we
might be drawn closer to one another as children of God and members of the body
of Christ. “Peter therefore was kept in prison; but prayer was made without
ceasing of the church unto God for him” (Acts 12:5,12; also 2 Cor. 1:9).
9. That we
might be able better to comfort, encourage, and empathize with others in their
suffering. “Blessed be God … who comforts us in all our tribulation, that
we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, by the comfort
wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God” (2 Cor. 1:3-7).
10. That we
might be a testimony to the unsaved. “And at midnight Paul and Silas
prayed, and sang praises unto God:and the prisoners heard them…. And the
keeper of the prison … fell down before Paul and Silas … and said, Sirs,
what must I do to be saved?” (Acts 16:25-31).
11. That we
might be weaned from this present world and provoked to yearn for the next
world. “For we who are in this tabernacle [that is, our physical body] do
groan, being burdened; not for that we would be unclothed [that is, our soul
and spirit with the Lord and our body in the grave], but clothed upon [that is,
with our resurrection body at the coming of Christ]”(2 Cor. 5:4; also 4:17; Phil.
1:23).
12. That we
might smite the consciences of evildoers by returning good for evil. “If
your enemy hungers, feed him; if he thirsts, give him drink:for in so doing
you shall heap coals of fire on his head” (Rom. 12:19-21; also 2 Ki. 6:21-23;
Matt. 5:44; 1 Pet. 3:6).
13. That we
might be awakened to our sin or judged for our lack of repentance and
persistence in sinning. “For this cause many are weak and sickly among you,
and many sleep”(1 Cor. 11:30).
14. That we
might have impressed upon us the seriousness of sin, even after we have
confessed it to the Lord. “And the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife
bore unto David, and it was very sick” (2 Sam. 12:7-15).
15. That we
might receive the natural and just consequences of our sinful behavior. “Be
not deceived, God is not mocked; for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also
reap” (Gal. 6:7).
Christians who
are experiencing serious trials and tribulations often needed to be told about
these various reasons for pain and suffering. It needs to be emphasized that
only three of the reasons in this list of 15 pertain directly to the person’s
own sinful behavior.
“In the
multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov. 11:14; 15:22; 24:6). May the
Lord give us all the wisdom through His Word to become better counselors.
* * *
My life is but
a weaving,
Between my Lord
and me;
I cannot choose
the colors,
He worketh
steadily.
Ofttimes He
weaveth sorrow,
And I in
foolish pride,
Forget He sees
the upper,
And I, the
underside.
Not till the
loom is silent,
And the
shuttles cease to fly,
Will He unroll
the canvas,
And explain the
reason why.
The dark
threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s
skillful hand
As the threads
of gold and
silver,
In the pattern
He has planned.
* * *
The potter has
the power,
The knowledge,
and the skill,
To fashion
every vessel
According to
his will.
The pattern and
the purpose
Of every vessel
planned,
Its usefulness
and beauty
Are in the
potter’s hand.
The clay makes
no decision
Has no will of
its own,
But yielded to
the potter,
His pattern is
made known.
And thus the
Master Potter
Our service has
outlined;
He asks us to
be yielded
Unto His will
and mind.
His purpose to
acknowledge,
To listen to
His voice,
To let Him plan
our pathway,
According to
His choice.
A vessel marred
and broken,
We may not
understand,
But all can be
committed
Unto the
Potter’s hand.
Our Father’s
way is perfect,
His thought
toward us is love;
He’s fashioning
and molding
For life with
Him above.
To trust the
Heavenly Potter
And let Him
mold the clay,
Brings joy, and
peace, and
blessing
And happiness
alway.