Marriage with an Unsaved Partner

It is always sad to hear of and meet couples of which only one of the partners is saved. How impossible it often is for such couples to enjoy that full mutual happiness which comes from both being submitted to the Lord. Our hearts go out to such couples and we seek to encourage the believing spouse by assuring that person of our prayers. But can we do more? Is there any advice we can give to our brothers and sisters in such situations? Let us seek counsel from the holy Scriptures.

In 1 Peter 3:1-4 we find the following advice given to the wife of an unsaved man:"Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."

The first point made by the apostle is that wives should be subject to the authority of their husbands. We have noted in a previous issue how important this is for achieving a happy marriage when both partners are saved. It is equally of no less importance if the husband is not saved, for it not only will help to make the marriage more stable and enjoyable, but it will also be a most effective testimony to the unsaved husband. An attitude of submission (verse 1), chaste or pure behavior (verse 2), and a meek and quiet spirit (verse 4) are all important elements to be manifested by a woman who wishes to see the salvation of her husband. The word "conversation” in verses 1 and 2 is an unfortunate translation in the King James Version. "Behavior" is a better translation. The thrust of the passage is that the husband is won to the Lord not by much preaching and cajoling by the wife but by the submissive, pure, meek, and quiet behavior of the wife. Often, the wife may try too hard to push Christianity onto her husband. Sprinkling the house with gospel tracts, covering the walls with Scripture texts, having the Christian radio station blaring whenever he is home, and having Christian friends come over to speak to the husband may have the effect of driving him further away from the Lord. On the other hand, the husband is watching the wife very carefully to see what effect Christ and Christianity are having in her personal life. If she is living a Christ-like life (see 1 Peter 2:21-23 for some elements of this), diligently attending to his physical, emotional, and material needs, showing love and affection to him, and being submissive to him, these attitudes and actions will certainly not go unnoticed by him.

Another point made by the apostle has to do with the wife’s manner of dress. She should dress modestly at all times, not seeking to draw attention to herself by the type of clothing or jewelry she wears. Her husband will tend to fear that he may have rivals for his wife’s affections among her Christian friends, so he needs a great deal of reassurance as to his wife’s devotedness to him.

With regard to "Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands," a perplexing question frequently arises:"How far does this subjection go?" Suppose the husband does not allow the wife to attend the meetings and activities of the assembly. Should the wife submit and stay home, or should she disobey her husband on the basis of "we ought to obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29) and "not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together" (Heb. 10:25)? There is no easy answer to these questions, but I would tend to advise along the line of submission to the husband in this as well as other situations which do not require her to engage in wicked behavior. It may help to consider that while man looks on the outward appearance, God looks on the heart. If the sister’s heart is with the assembly_if she longs to be there but is prevented by her husband_the Lord takes note of that. Some might argue that the Lord’s command to forsake not "the assembling of ourselves together" takes precedence over the husband’s command to stay home. However, one is not generally considered as forsaking the assembly if prevented because of a trial such as a serious chronic illness; is it any different if one is prevented because of a different kind of trial such as an unsaved and unyielding husband?

Obedience to the husband in such instances should not necessarily be a blind, unquestioning obedience. The wife would do well to seek to discern her husband’s reasons for his prohibition. It may be that he simply resents her being away from home. He may fear that she is not satisfied with the friendship and companionship which he has to offer her and that she is seeking it from persons who share her Christian faith. He may feel that she will neglect her household duties, or may not be available when he needs her. Or if she has had a problem with insubmissiveness previously in her pre-saved days, he may be testing her to see if Christianity has changed anything in her. Thus, the wife should make an extra special effort to prove to her husband that she really does care for him and enjoys spending time with him. She should take the initiative in suggesting things to do and places to go together, considering particularly his interests. If he does allow her to go out occasionally, she should make it a point to return home promptly after the service is over. And if she believes that it is God’s will that she disobey her husband’s wishes in order to attend meetings of the assembly, then she should bend over backwards to be submissive to her husband in every other respect possible.

If it is the husband who is saved and the wife unsaved, many of the same principles apply. While the husband is not bound by Scripture to submit to his wife’s wishes concerning his Christian activities, he must give full consideration to her fears, needs, and desires. He might consider curtailing some of his church-related activities in order to spend time with her. He ought to make every effort frequently to reassure her of his love for her. Also, Peter exhorts the husbands to give "honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel" (1 Peter 3:7). Since women tend to be weaker physically and tire more easily than men, the husband should guard against frequently running off under the guise of serving the Lord or meeting with his fellow Christians, while leaving his already tired wife behind to clean up the kitchen, put the children to bed, iron his shirts, and pack his lunch. Such actions will not go far in attracting the wife to the Lord Jesus.

Further instruction is given in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. While Christians are to assiduously avoid entering into an unequal yoke in marriage, once they find themselves in such a yoke they are not to seek to get out of it. The saved one by a Christ-like life has a sanctifying effect upon the unbelieving spouse, as well as upon the children. But suppose the unbelieving spouse lays down the ultimatum:"Either you give up all manifestations of your Christian life or I am leaving." Verse 15 of this chapter suggests that the believer should let the spouse leave in such instances. While every effort should be made to preserve a marriage (in keeping with Gen. 2:24 and Matt. 19:6), no one is asked to do this at the expense of giving up the Christian faith.

While considering 1 Corinthians 7 it might also be well to recall verse 5 which was considered in the previous chapter of this series. The exhortation here is not to deprive each other of physical intimacy, "except it be with consent for a time." The Christian husband or wife must not suppose that his/her new relationship with Christ will be defiled by continuing to engage in physical intimacy with the unsaved spouse.

The passages we have been considering in 1 Peter and 1 Corinthians likely were written primarily to those who were already married when they became saved. The principles apply equally to those believers who, in violation of 2 Cor. 6:14, willfully marry an unbeliever. However, many, additional problems may exist here because of the sin of the believer in disobeying God’s Word with regard to choice of a marriage partner. There may be the problem of guilt feelings due to not having confessed the sin or not being sure that God can or will forgive so serious a sin. For this we need to be reminded of the wonderful promise in 1 John 1:9:"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." There may be envy toward others who did not commit the same sin and as a consequence are enjoying happy Christian marriages. This attitude needs to be confessed as sinful. One may engage in self-pity, which often leads to depression, as a result of making the foolish choice. Or, conversely, there may be fantasizing about how much more pleasant life would be if married to another Christian. Brooding over the past, being depressed over the present, despairing over the future, and dreaming about what might have been . . . but is not, will only increase the problems, make it more difficult truly to love and cherish one’s spouse, and lessen the effectiveness of a Christian witness toward one’s spouse. For those who find themselves in such a situation we urge the following:Confess your sin to God and accept His forgiveness. Persevere in prayer (Col. 4:2 JND), both for the salvation of your spouse and for spiritual wisdom, patience, and strength for yourself. Keep believing that God will answer your prayers. Keep feeding on God’s Word; and if you have children, be faithful and persistent in feeding them the Word as well. Keep living the Christian life with a meek, quiet, submissive spirit. And though faint, keep pursuing (Judges 8:4) these goals; keep following Christ.

There are many other problems faced by the wife or husband of a non-Christian which we have not touched upon. Many of these problems are so perplexing that it is difficult to know what advice to give. May those of us who are acquainted with such couples seek to help in whatever ways we can_by our continual earnest prayers for them, by providing emotional and spiritual support, by lending a sympathetic ear to their problems, and by not being harsh or judgmental toward the Christian wife who stays away from the meetings or goes along with her husband in worldly activities out of obedience to him or in order to keep peace in the household.

In the next issue we will seek, with the Lord’s help, to learn what Scripture has to say about the even more difficult as well as controversial topic of divorce and remarriage.