Love, submission, communication, confession, forgiveness, and mutual prayer and Bible
study_these elements of a happy marriage have been considered in the previous two issues. This
chapter of our series on "The Christian and Marriage" will conclude with two further
elements_physical intimacy and management of finances_which in many cases have made the
difference between a happy and an unhappy marriage.

Physical Intimacy

To those who are dating or engaged to be married the warning was given in a previous chapter
against entering prematurely into that physical intimacy which belongs to marriage alone. It was
also mentioned that a marriage built solely on the physical relationship, without strong emotional
and spiritual bonds, is not likely to thrive far beyond the honeymoon. This is not to downgrade
the physical relationship but to emphasize those other aspects of the marriage partnership which
are often given but little consideration. Indeed, unless a marriage is built upon the foundation of
that agape or Christ-like love, the physical relationship will tend to become mechanical and
selfish, and hence may ultimately lead to conflict and resentment. A strong spiritual relationship
will, on the other hand, tend to enhance the enjoyment of the physical relationship.

Let us consider some scriptural counsel to the married couple concerning physical intimacy. "Let
the husband render to the wife her due, and in like manner the wife to the husband. The wife has
not authority over her own body, but the husband; in like manner also the husband has not
authority over his own body, but the wife. Defraud not one another, unless, it may be, by consent
for a time, that ye may devote yourselves to prayer, and again be together, that Satan tempt you
not because of your incontinency" (1 Cor. 7:3-5 JND). Not only in first century Corinth, but
throughout the history of the Church to the present day, there have been Christians who have
gotten the notion that physical intimacy in marriage is beneath the dignity and calling of a spiritual
Christian. Some have gone so far as to separate from their wives or husbands in order to be free
to live "a more spiritual life." Others have pushed the physical relationship in marriage into the
background for similar reasons. But the apostle Paul warns that neither marriage partner should
unilaterally deprive the other of physical intimacy. Only if both agree together to live celibately
"for a time" in order to devote themselves to prayer and communion with the Lord should such
a program be undertaken. And this is to be for a definitely limited period of time so that neither
partner will become vulnerable to Satan’s temptations to commit adultery as a result of unsatisfied
physical desires.

The Greek word translated "defraud" in 1 Cor. 7:5 means literally "turn away from, reject,
repulse." The sexual relationship should never be used as a club to achieve one’s own selfish ends.
One should not reject his/her mate sexually as a means of forcing the mate to yield to his/her will
concerning any matter. The elements of prayer, communication, and love _discussed
previously_should be brought into play in such situations.

Another Scripture which is relevant to the physical relationship of a married couple is "submitting
yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21). Mutual love (again, that agape or

divine love) will lead the two partners to be sensitive to the moods and needs and desires of the
other. Love will lead the husband or wife to subdue his/her own physical needs and desires when
it is sensed that one’s mate does not share this mood. At the same time, the spouse who perhaps
is not in the mood for physical intimacy may be led, out of love, to give himself/herself over to
satisfying the needs of the mate. Out of love for each other, each will be willing to take the lead
in submitting to the other.

If one of the partners seems frequently to be not in the mood for physical intimacy, it may be that
he/she is harboring bitterness or resentment toward the spouse for some reason. Here again, as
stressed in the previous issue, there is a great need for communication. Harboring resentment
toward another is not a proper response for a Christian. The offended one should seek lovingly,
patiently, and meekly to express to the spouse the nature of the offense (Matt. 18:15)_. And the
spouse should be quick to confess any wrong so that the joy of the marriage might soon be
recovered.

As we have seen previously, wives are told to submit themselves to their husbands (Eph. 5:22).
But clearly this is not to be used by the husband as a club to force his wife to satisfy his physical
(or any other) needs and desires. For this reason, verses 23 and 24 are tempered by verses 25-29
which emphasize the man’s need to love his wife. Further, it is well to keep in mind that husbands
have the privilege of submitting themselves to their wives in many areas of life, even while
retaining overall authority and responsibility over the household. Christ took the form of a servant,
though He was worthy that all should serve and submit to Him. How can we, who have no such
worthiness in ourselves, take a place higher than the one Christ took in love? (John 13:16).

Management of Finances

There are a number of scriptural principles which relate to management of finances in a
household. First, on the basis of 1 Cor. 11:3, Eph. 5:23,24, and 1 Tim. 2:12,13, the husband is
the head of the wife. Therefore, the husband should have the overall responsibility for managing
the household finances. It may be that he is a terrible mathematician and she a trained bookkeeper;
in such a case it might be profitable for the two to work together on paying bills, balancing the
checking account, etc. But final responsibility and authority for expenditures rests with him.

Sometimes the husband gets the idea that since he earned his paycheck through his own hard work,
the money belongs to him and he is free to spend it as he pleases. The working wife may also
develop this attitude, particularly if her husband already manifests it. However, it generally is not
wise to make a distinction between "his money" and "her money." The statement of Scripture that
"they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24) is not, I believe, limited to the physical union of husband
and wife. It involves as well the pooling of resources, having all things in common, and not
having separate bank accounts. In this connection, it is well to keep in mind that all that we have
in the way of material wealth and property, as well as talents, abilities, and intelligence, belong
to the Lord and are only on loan to us (1 Sam. 2:5-7; Job 1:21; Luke 16:12). We are responsible
to God to use what He has given us for His glory and the edification of His people, and not to
make a name and a place for ourselves in this world nor to satisfy our own fleshly desires.

It is wise for the husband and wife periodically to plan together a budget based on total resources
and anticipated income which allots a set amount for food, clothing, household expenses,
automotive expenses, utilities, etc., and also allows for some saving for larger purchases and for
emergencies. They should pray together for wisdom and guidance from the Lord as to spending,
saving, and specific purchases.

Prayerful consideration should also be given to the proportion of total (before taxes) income to be
devoted to charitable contributions. While the Old Testament guideline for this is a tenth (tithe),
a sense of God’s grace and the extent of His great gifts to us may lead us to give more than a tenth
toward support of the Lord’s work.

A snare which newly married couples often fall into, and which often ends up destroying the
marriage, is to covet too high a standard of living from the outset. There is a tendency with young
people to want to begin their own homes at the same standard presently enjoyed by their parents,
forgetting that in most instances their parents started out quite simply and lived within their means.
In attempting to attain this standard the couple quickly finds themselves deep in debt with a large
portion of the weekly paychecks going to make payments to creditors. In order to meet expenses,
the husband begins volunteering for overtime duty or takes a second job, and the wife gets a
job_or maybe two_as well. As a result, the husband and wife hardly see each other any more;
if they should have children, these soon get shuttled off to a day-care center; and the marriage
relationship becomes strained, often to the breaking point.

Listen to what Scripture has to say in this regard:"Godliness with contentment is great gain. For
we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food
and raiment let us be therewith content" (1 Tim. 6:6-8). "Be content with such things as ye have"
(Heb. 13:5). "Owe no man any thing, but to love one another" (Rom. 13:8). "The borrower is
servant to the lender" (Prov. 22:7).

Paul Wilson in The Institution of Marriage (Bible Truth Publishers, Addison, IL) offers the
following comments on this topic:"It is not the style of our homes, nor the model of the
automobile; that are the great criteria of how a Christian is getting on; but rather, is there
godliness and contentment? Some of the happiest Christians are those who have little of this
world’s goods, but who enjoy Christ and the things of God, and go on in contentedness of spirit
in temporal things. A striving for the things beyond one’s circumstances will help to produce
leanness of soul on the one hand, and the very opposite of happiness on the other.

"Even from a purely worldly standpoint, it is a happy experience when young married people find
it pleasurable employment to labor together on fixing up an old house, or refinishing some
furniture, or on any of the many things that go to make up a home. We have heard unsaved people
remark that the surest way to make newly married young folks discontented is to give them
everything they could wish, so that there is nothing left to work toward."

As a final thought, just as one might refuse physical intimacy with one’s spouse because of anger
or resentment, an offended husband or wife may give vent to the hurt by going on a shopping and
spending spree. This, like a drinking spree, may provide temporary feelings of relief from one’s
anger or frustration, but clearly only compounds the problems. The much preferred solution, as
discussed previously, involves verbal communication to the spouse concerning one’s unhappiness,
and love and patience with each other while seeking a resolution to the problem.

As we conclude this three-part chapter on elements of a happy marriage, let us heed the apostle
Paul’s exhortation to pray "always . . . with all perseverance and supplication for all saints" (Eph.
6:18). Let us not forget to consider the many married couples among the saints, praying that they
might enjoy a truly happy marriage. Let us not wait until a marriage is on the rocks before we
begin praying for the couple. And if the Lord makes us aware of a possible trouble spot in the
marriage of a particular couple, let us be faithful to seek wisdom from the Lord to be able to help
that couple. Perhaps if there were more "preventive medicine" being practiced, there would be

fewer sick and dying marriages and more truly happy ones today.

The particular problems facing a couple in which one is a Christian and the other is not will be
considered in the next issue, Lord willing.